Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s a Food Court Jester. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of August 11, 2017

Never stick your tongue to a cold suit of armour. First up…

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King Arthur: Legend of the Sword

Knights only wore their suit of armour when they’d secretly send street urchins to battle in their stead.

However, the scoundrel in this action-fantasy won’t need to impersonate one for long.

Reared in a brothel by courtesans, the orphaned Arthur (Charlie Hunnam) grew up to be a petty criminal, completely unaware of his royal pedigree.

That is until he abstracts a sword from a stone and learns the King of England (Jude Law) is actually his uncle, and that he killed his father (Eric Bana). The king now hopes to invoke black magic to end the Pendragon lineage.

Directed by Guy Richie, this rip-roaring reimagining of the Arthurian legend never relents with its stylized sword fights, clever dialogue and liberal alterations to the source material. However, its rapid-fire pacing can’t smokescreen the pitiful performances.

Incidentally, the number one killer of all governing monarchs is the next in line for the throne.  Yellow Light

Snatched

The upside to vacationing with your parents is that they wake early enough to get good poolside loungers.

Nonetheless, the party girl in this comedy tried her hardest to find anyone else to take.

Stuck with an extra ticket to Ecuador after her boyfriend dumps her, recently unemployed Emily (Amy Schumer) has no other option but to offer it to her overly mistrusting mother (Goldie Hawn).

Their retreat takes a turn for the worse when they’re kidnapped by a crime lord (Óscar Jaenada) and accidentally kill his nephew. On the run, they must make it to the US consulate before he catches them.

With scant character development between the bickering mother and daughter duo before, during and after their experience, this poorly structured romp relies too heavily on its humorous leads to offset its lack of story.

Fortunately, when you travel with family there’s always someone to identify your body.  Red Light    

***Knight Vision***

Sword of the Valiant: The Legend of Sir Gawain and the Green Knight

The worst thing about the Round Table was it never had enough chairs for everyone.

Fortunately, a squire – like the one in this fantasy – makes an excellent bench.

When the mythical Green Knight (Sean Connery) storms King Arthur’s court and challengers the Knights of the Round Table to a contest of courage, only a lowly page, Gawain (Miles O'Keeffe), is brave enough to accept the duel.

But when young Gawain fails to behead the Green Knight, he is given exactly one year to solve a riddle or the knight will return to decapitate him.

Despite its valiant efforts to bring the Arthurian era poem to vivid life, this 1984 British effort is plagued with poor production values, uproarious wigs, and feeble performances. Those factors – and more - contribute to the film’s obscurity.

Luckily, in the Middle Ages you would probably be dead of the black plague in a year’s time.

He’s a Round Table Dancer. He’s the…

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Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s a Tornado Alley Cat. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of August 4, 2017

Tornadoes are God's vacuum. First up…

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Going in Style

The most stylish way for an old man to depart this world is in a pinstriped zoot suit.

The chaps in this comedy, however, chose to wear Halloween masks instead.

After losing his house and pension to the bank, Joe (Michael Caine) must find a way to support his granddaughter (Joey King), so he proposes that he and his friends (Morgan Freeman, Alan Arkin) rob the aforementioned bank.

With help from some neighbourhood crooks, the trio gleans enough knowledge to stage a successful stickup, but not enough to evade the FBI (Matt Dillon).

A tepid remake of the 1979 heist spoof starring George Burns, this Zach Braff directed ensemble does have some outstanding chemistry between its elderly leads, but little in the way of big laughs. The sappy script and predictable outcome don’t help either.

Besides, retirees would have more money if they’d stopped giving out their credit card numbers.  Red Light

The Circle

The downside to working for an innovative tech company is being the first killed by sentient machines.

Luckily, the gadgets in this thriller are not nearly as nefarious as their creators.

As the newest hire at tech giant The Circle, Mae (Emma Watson) makes quite the impression on the company’s co-founders (Tom Hanks, Patton Oswalt) by becoming a lab rat for their latest spy-cam technology.

Being online all the time, however, takes its toll on Mae, her family (Bill Paxton, Glenne Headly) and her friends (Karen Gillan, Ellar Coltrane) as all of their lives are also televised for public consumption.

While it is a timely piece on the loss of privacy, the power of online mob mentality and the digitization of our data, this paranoid Orwellian analogy is tactlessly encrypted with bad acting, outdated discoveries and stock villains. 

Moreover, facial recognition cameras can’t find you if you’re wearing a Burqa.  Red Light

 

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Colossal

The best thing about giant monsters is that they never attack landlocked cities.

However, the damage done by the kaiju in this dramedy is affecting Middle America.

Twenty-five years after a colossal reptile attacked Seoul, an alcoholic writer, Gloria (Anne Hathaway), heads back home to her small-town to detox. Unfortunately, her childhood friend Oscar (Jason Sudeikis) owns a bar where he and his friends (Tim Blake Nelson, Austin Stowell) congregate.

After a night off the wagon, Gloria wakes to news that the monster has returned to terrorize Korea. Later, she realizes its rampaging mirrors her every movement.

Giant monster movie ethos mixed with the intimate character studies, depressing themes and subtle performances of an Independent film, this unique hybrid balances a bizarre line between dark humour and senseless destruction with aplomb. Never favoring one strange narrative over the other.

Incidentally, an alcoholic controlling a giant monster means more pee breaks.  Green Light

***Impersonal Data***

EDtv

The upside to being on TV 24/7 is that you can watch reruns to find your misplaced keys.

Conversely, as this comedy confirms, live streaming can cost you your family.

To boast ratings, producer Cynthia (Ellen DeGeneres) proposes following around blue-collar Ed (Matthew McConaughey) with a camera.

While the first episodes flop, once Ed’s family (Woody Harrelson, Martin Landau, Sally Kirkland) is introduced viewership goes up. But when a romance starts blossoming between Ed and his brother’s girlfriend (Jenna Elfman), Cynthia introduces a supermodel (Elizabeth Hurley) to up the ante.

Spawned from late 21st Century paranoia over the threat of reality TV, this 1999 satire based on a French-Canadian film and directed by Ron Howard doesn’t delve deep enough in to the technology it is trying to lampoon to make it funny or memorable.

Besides, if people really wanted to watch others all-day then human zoos would be more popular.

He’s a Scripted Drama Queen. He’s the…

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Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s a New Born Babe Magnet. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of July 28, 2017

Infants are the future. First up…

 

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The Boss Baby

The best time to ask your newborn boss for a raise is when you're changing their diaper.

Unfortunately, the CEO in this animated family movie always has the advantage.

Tim's (Tobey Maguire, Miles Bakshi) perfect life is disrupted when his parents (Lisa Kudrow, Jimmy Kimmel) have another child, Boss Baby (Alec Baldwin). Sharply dressed and keenly acute, the husky-voiced youngster informs Tim that he has been sent from elsewhere to turn the tide in the babies' battle against puppy popularity.

But if Tim doesn't help stop the release of an everlasting puppy, Boss Baby will become his brother forever.

An unsettling blend of low fertility rate propaganda, Loony Tune-esque sex education and smart mouthed infants, DreamWork's latest offering borrows too heavily from funnier sources. Although Baldwin's voice work is exceptional as always, nothing much else in this bizarre cartoon works.

Besides, kids already know that all babies come from China.  Yellow Light

 

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Ghost in the Shell

Cybernetic implants will make it hard for women to say their vibrating breasts are natural.

Thankfully, the enhanced lady in this sci-fi flick is comfortable in her synthetic skin.

The mind of Section 9 assassin Major (Scarlett Johansson) is the only part from her original body occupying her new metal shell. But when a cyber-terrorist (Michael Carmen Pitt) targets her benefactor, what little memories she retained may now be as artificial as her.

With help from her partner (Pilou Asbæk) and designer (Juliette Binoche), Major unravels her origins, which later leads her to a showdown with an eight-legged mecha.

While it is pretty to look at its Neo Tokyo esthetic, this whitewashed and ultimately Americanized live-action adaptation of the beloved cyberpunk anime over explains the narrative with dumbed down meditations on the mind, social unrest and future shock.

Fortunately, once your body is robotic you can eat cured meats again.  Yellow Light

 

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Gifted

The key to raising a gifted child is selling them to science before you get too attached.

Unfortunately, the mother in this dramedy died before getting her payday.

Frank (Chris Evans) gallantly accepts guardianship of his niece Mary (Mckenna Grace) after her mother's death. Like her mathematician mother, Mary has no trouble solving her first grade teacher's (Jenny Slate) rudimentary math problems – and she let's her know it.

Mary's air of superiority soon lands her into trouble. Luckily her talent with formulas finds her grandmother (Lindsay Duncan) taking an invested interest in her. So much so, she sues Frank for custody.

A paints-by-numbers prodigy anecdote that strokes its brush well within the lines, this charming but predictable squabble only succeeds thanks to its leads who bring humanity to this glorified custody battle.

Incidentally, the best way to knock a know-it-all math genius down a few pegs is with gym.  Yellow Light

 ***Child Genius at Work***

 

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Little Man Tate

People prefer smart children because smart teenagers are assholes.

Luckily, the wunderkind in this drama is still cute enough not to be a jerk.

Dede (Jodie Foster) is a single mom struggling to raise her gifted 7-year-old Fred (Adam Hann-Byrd) on her own. When a psychologist Jane (Dianne Wiest) notices Fred's aptitudes for math and piano she suggests he attend her institute for exceptional youth.

Fred's later enrolled in university where he meets a coed (Harry Connick Jr.) who he connects with. Meanwhile, Jane moves to exploit Fred's talents on TV while his mom is on summer vacation.

Although a typical child prodigy movie, right down to the annoying kid genius, this Jody Foster directed picture manages to capture the pressure put on both phenoms and parents to succeed. This achievement alone makes it notable.

Plus, it's nice to see child math prodigies before they grown up and kill themselves.

He’s a Crystal Methematician. He’s the…

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