He’s an Extraterrestrial Life Coach. He’s
the…
Vidiot
Week of June 23, 2017
There is no one slimier than you. First
up...
Life
The best part of finding new forms of life
is getting to name them after overrated ‘70s rock bands.
However, the scientists in this sci-fi
movie won’t have time to name their deadly discovery: The Eagles.
While on route back home, crew-members
aboard an international space station
(Jake Gyllenhaal, Rebecca Ferguson, Ryan Reynolds) uncover a latent
organism in some Martian topsoil.
When the entity is roused, everyone is
ecstatic. When it begins to feed off them for sustenance, they become panicked.
Meanwhile, the ship has lost all communications and has started displacing
fuel, threatening their safe reentry to Earth.
With its painfully mundane title, its
derivative space alien script, and the astronauts scant character development,
Life comes off as a pointless and unexciting voyage that is reminiscent of
similar interstellar tales that are far superior.
Incidentally, you do have to declare all
alien life you purchased on your customs form.
Red Light
Wilson
They don’t launch average folks into space
is because they’d just complain the whole time.
In fact, the squeaky wheel in this comedy
wouldn’t even make it past the interview.
Wilson (Woody Harrelson) is a misanthropic,
middle-aged curmudgeon with a lack of social grace who spends the bulk of his
day antagonizing passersby about their life choices.
When he learns he has a daughter he has
never met, Wilson decides to track her (Isabella Amara) and her mother (Laura
Dern) down for an impromptu reunion.
But things go awry when Wilson is
imprisoned for kidnapping his offspring.
Based on the graphic novel by underground
artist Daniel Clowes, Wilson’s sardonic script was also adapted by its creator,
with good and bad results. While Harrelson embodies the titular grump, Clowes’
acerbic script insults viewers’ intelligence while not proving it’s any
shrewder.
Moreover, people who confront strangers can
probably recommend the best pepper-spray.
Yellow Light
T2 Trainspotting
You can always tell someone is an ex-junkie
by the way they always chew on a hypodermic.
Not as easy as smoking, the former users in
this comedy did quit heroin…for a while.
Returning to Edinburgh 20-years after
fleeing with cash he and his mates scored in a heroin deal, Renton (Ewan
McGregor) reconnects with the one least likely to kill him (Ewen Bremner)
first.
Violent encounters with Sick Boy (Jonny Lee
Miller) and Begbie (Robert Carlyle) come afterwards. Following the reunion, the
foursome work on a plan to secure a business loan for a brothel. But some seek
to settle old debits.
This sequel to the 1996 cult classic finds
the same cast and director, Danny Boyle, returning for a second hit.
Unfortunately, that entails removing everything pleasurable about the first and
injecting the characters with boring 21-century cynicism.
Ironically, with today’s safe injection
sites, heroin use is practically encouraged.
Red Light
***E.T. Need Help***
Alien Nation
The hardest part of recovery for an alien
drug addict is not annihilating everyone at the intervention.
So, hopefully, the cops in this sci-fi
movie can keep a new drug off the streets.
Homicide detective Sykes (James Caan) is
assigned a new partner, but is hesitant on account he's a Newcomer (Mandy
Patinkin), an alien race that came to Earth three years ago. Sykes finally
agrees, hoping it’ll lead to his partner’s otherworldly killer.
Their unconventional coupling instead
uncovers a scheme by an extraterrestrial kingpin (Terence Stamp) to flood the
market with a space drug that has violent effects on Newcomers.
A high-concept analogy on immigration that
is reduced to a buddy-cop comedy thanks to its by-the-numbers mystery and hammy
leads, whose banter is painful. So it’s no surprise this boilerplate model was
later developed for television.
The biggest problem with alien cops,
however, is all their unwarranted anal probing.
He’s
the Extra Long Arm of the Law. He’s the…
Vidiot
