Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s Holy Water Proof. He’s the…

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Week of April 18, 2014

Churches need to work the Zombie Jesus angle. First up…

Ride Along

The best part of going on a police ride along is that you get to break every law in the book with no consequences.

Surprisingly, the civilian riding shotgun in this comedy wants to do the complete opposite.

After he’s accepted into the police academy, high-strung security guard Ben (Kevin Hart) proposes to his longtime girlfriend (Tika Sumpter).

Before they can tie the knot, Ben must get her detective brother James’ (Ice Cube) blessing.

To prove his merit, he goes on patrol with James, who’s devised a number of fake crimes to scare Ben off the force.

The gag gets ugly when they accidentally undercover an affiliation between Atlanta officers and a notorious kingpin (Laurence Fishburne).

While Hart’s hyperactivity helps, Ride Along is essentially a toothless buddy-comedy combined with a one-dimensional cop thriller.

On the bright side, now that he’s a cop, former NWA member Ice Cube can brutalize himself.  Red Light

The Secret Life of Walter Mitty 

The upside to online magazines is that there will be free tablets with old issues on them at the dentist’s office.

Alternatively, the downside to this digitization is explored in this comedy-fantasy.

With the final issue of LIFE magazine ready to publish, it’s up to negative handler Walter Mitty (Ben Stiller) to present the last cover photo shot by famed photojournalist Sean O'Connell (Sean Penn).

The only problem is the negative has disappeared.

Now it’s up to the daydreaming office drone to place the misplaced image before the issue goes to print.

To do this, he must travel to Iceland to find O’Connell.

While Walter’s trajectory from skateboarding punk to milquetoast adult is incongruent, it is this film’s sappy ending that gives the James Thurber’s short story a bad name.

Furthermore, with Life magazine now out of the way, there’s less confusion between Life cereal and Life the board game.  Yellow Light

Paranormal Activity: The Marked Ones

With all of today’s digital distractions, it’s impossible for ghosts to get peoples attention long enough to scare them.

Which is why the spirit in this horror movie communicates through Milton Bradley’s Simon.

Using his graduation money to buy a digital-camera, Jesse (Andrew Jacobs) and his friend Hector (Jorge Diaz) document their eerie encounters with Jesse’s neighbour Anna, a rumoured witch.

After she is mysteriously murdered, Jesse and Hector break into her apartment and steal a book of incantations that later unleashes a demonic presence that protects Jesse.

Upon subsequent revisits to Anna’s, they uncover evidence that links her to Jesse’s pregnant mother and to the missing mother Katie (Katie Featherston) from the first Paranormal Activity.

The fifth installment in the series, this Latino companion piece connects back to the first movie in many frightening, ingenious and humorous ways.

Incidentally, any ghost that haunts a Latino household is automatically assumed to be the Virgin Mary.  Green Light

***Pot of Gold Chain***

Leprechaun in the Hood

The good thing about being a little person in the ghetto is that the bullets from the drive-bys go right over your head.

Mind you, the small person in this horror-comedy also has magic to protect him.

Imprisoned by a record producer (Ice-T), a malevolent leprechaun (Warwick Davis) is released by unsuspecting rap-artists: Postmaster P. (Anthony Montgomery), Stray Bullet (Rashaan Nall), and Butch (Red Grant).

Determined to take back his enchanted flute that emits hypnotic notes, the Leprechaun takes South Central by storm.

Now it’s up to the wannabe MCs to trick the trickster into smoking a clover-laced joint so they can steal the flute back again.

This fifth installment in the b-horror franchise is a cheesy send-up of the gangster genre. Its only redeeming value can be found in its gory camp and Leprechaun rap. 

And, who knows, maybe now all the O.G.’s will start wearing buckled high tops.

He’s a Gangbanger and Mash. He’s the…

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Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s a Hobobit. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of April 11, 2014

Shopping carts are precious. First up…

The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug

If you want to find a dragon nowadays, just attend a Game of Thrones themed wedding.

In Middle Earth times - as in this adventure - you would find one near the largest supply of dwarf bullion.

The Halfling Bilbo (Martin Freeman) and the wizard Gandalf (Ian McKellen) continue their quest to help the dwarf king (Richard Armitage) reclaim his kingdom from a dragon (Benedict Cumberbatch). 

This leg of their journey is fraught with giant spiders, a were-bear, Orcs and an ominous Necromancer.

Fortunately, they receive assistance from some elves (Orlando Bloom, Evangeline Lilly), a smuggler (Luke Evans) and giant eagles along the way.

The second half of The Hobbit saga, Desolation of Smaug outdoes its predecessor with its prompter pacing, action orientated story, and infusion of human and Elvin blood.

And just imagine: once they get their treasure back, the dwarves can finally get those gold plated leg extensions.  Green Light

Grudge Match 

When old men box, the below the belt rule needs to be changed to: no hitting below the knees.

While it’s unsure if the ripened pugilists in this comedy have low-hanging fruit, it’s true both are out of shape.

During a video game recording session, former ring rivals Billy “The Kid” (Robert De Niro) and “Razor” Sharp (Sylvester Stallone) reignite their enmity over Billy knocking up Razor’s girlfriend (Kim Basinger).

Their impromptu bout is caught on camera and goes viral.

Enter fight promoter Dante (Kevin Hart), who wishes to capitalize on this renewed interest with a reunion fight.

The end result, however, not only affects their bodies but it touches their personal lives.

While it has a few comic jabs, overall this over-the-hill comedy languishes in hammy acting and out-of-touch old folks humour.

Thankfully, their boxing gloves keep us from seeing either of the elderly combatants veiny, liver spotted hands.  Red Light

 

August: Osage County

If your elderly parent is turning into a pill-popper, replace their daily dosage with Skittles.

Unfortunately, the addict in this dark-comedy is cognizant.

When their father (Sam Shepard) goes missing, the daughters (Julia Roberts, Juliette Lewis, Julianne Nicholson) of the cancerous Violet (Meryl Streep) return home with their significant others (Ewan McGregor, Abigail Breslin, Dermot Mulroney) for support.

Eventually, their father’s body is found and family secrets - a love child between him and Violet’s sister (Margo Martindale) and an incestuous affair between the youngest daughter and a cousin (Benedict Cumberbatch) - are exposed.

But instead of concealing these nuggets like her broken marriage, Violet’s eldest daughter confronts her mother... physically.

Boasting an epic ensemble, this adaptation of the play is certainly well performed. However, the characters being portrayed are extremely difficult to like.

Besides, when you’re elderly parent starts becoming a nuisance, it’s time to introduce them to base-jumping.  Yellow Light

***Lord of the Ring***

Requiem for a Heavyweight

You can tell a boxer is over-the-hill when they come to the ring wearing their bathrobe.

After getting knocked out by Cassius Clay in this drama, “Mountain” Rivera (Anthony Quinn) hangs up his gloves in hopes of landing a less violent gig.

But when his manager’s (Jackie Gleason) life is threatened by a bookie, Mountain must put his aspirations on hold, swallow his pride, and enter the wrestling ring.

Despite his embarrassment in the theatrics, Mountain agrees to the match-up, much to the chagrin of his career counselor/ love interest (Julie Harris).

Based on the teleplay by Twilight Zone’s Rod Serling, this film adaptation of the scribe’s sci-fi free script is altered for cinematic purposes, but the pathos of an archaic contender is still present, and is pure Rod Serling.

The worst thing about being a retired boxer, however, is with your slurred speech, everyone keeps enrolling you in A.A.

He’s a Surprise Fighter. He’s the… 

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Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s Hard Correspondence. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of April 4, 2014

This just in: No One Watches the News. First up…

 

Anchorman 2: The Legend Continues

In the world of online news, it’s not the facts that matter, it’s the misleading headline used to generate ad revenue.

Thankfully, this comedy takes place before Yahoo! News.

During the 1980s, newsman Ron Burgundy (Will Ferrell) and his wife (Christina Applegate) leave San Diego to co-host the nightly news in New York.

But when she gets promoted, he can’t cope.

Recruited by a fledging 24-hour news network just before hitting rock bottom, Ron resuscitates his former news team (Paul Rudd, Steve Carell, David Koechner) and takes to the air again.

Despite a handful of memorable lines, this much-ballyhooed sequel to the 2004 cult hit doesn’t live up to its own hype.

In fact, it struggles to make its goofball one-liners and illogical situations standout from today's current crop of Ron Burgundy-esque pitchmen that permeate the advertising landscape.

Incidentally, news anchoring is the only occupation that would benefit from Tupac's hologram.  Red Light

  

 

47 Ronin

The upside to being a masterless samurai is you longer have to wear your hair in that weird looking bun.

Surprisingly, the forty-seven ronin in this action movie still do the upsweep.

Kai (Keanu Reeves), a half-breed living in the wilds of feudal Japan, is taken in by Lord Asano (Min Tanaka) and taught the way of the samurai - unofficially.

One day a rival lord (Tadanobu Asano) kills Asano and claims his daughter (Kou Shibasaki) as his wife.

Forbade by the Shogun to seek revenge, the head ronin (Hiroyuki Sanada) ignores their order, recruits his former warriors, including Kai, and infiltrates the wedding.

Inspired by the ancient Japanese legend, this whitewashed retelling relies more on mysticism then actual facts to tell its tale.   

While the special effects are noteworthy, the acting and the adventure are uninspired.

Incidentally, if you’re half Japanese, you should only have to perform seppuku halfway.  Red Light

***Fat Assassin***

Beverly Hills Ninja

The best part of being a ninja is that the all-black outfit has a slimming effect.

Mind you, it doesn’t seem to be working on the assassin in this comedy.

An American (Nicollette Sheridan) hires Haru (Chris Farley) - a klutzy Caucasian adopted by a ninja clan when he was a baby - to investigate her boyfriend’s suspicious behaviour.

When Haru discovers a counterfeiting operation, he travels to Beverly Hills to advise his client, only to learn she isn’t who she said she is and that the case now involves a murder.

Watching over Haru on his Sensei’s (Soon-Tek Oh) behest is his Haru’s adopted brother (Robin Shou), who protects him from afar.

Although this is not the stout SNL alum’s best comic outing, Beverly Hills Ninja does play to Chris Farley’s strengths: incessant pratfalls and dumb-guy naivety. 

Ironically, when you send a fat ninja to California, they come back home anorexic. 

                                                                                                                           

He Overeats his Words. He’s the...

                                                                 Vidiot  

Be Kind, Please Rewind

He Works on the Sock Exchange. He’s the…

Vidiot 

Week of March 28, 2014

Buy pairs, no holes. First up…

The Wolf of Wall Street

With bears, bulls and now wolves, it seems like Wall Street is advising us to invest in nuisance animal hunting permits.

However, a different kind of wildlife is featured in this dramedy.

In the wake of Black Monday, Jordan Belfort (Leonardo DiCaprio) applies his stockbroker skills to hawking penny stocks for huge commissions.

Always scheming, he forms a firm with his protégé (Jonah Hill) and makes a women’s shoe stock seem favorable to drive up the price before dumping their shares.

In their downtime, Jordan and his employees spend their ill-gotten gains buying Quaaludes and hookers.

Meanwhile, an FBI agent (Kyle Chandler) builds a case against the firm.

Despite glorifying Belfort’s crime, director Martin Scorsese’s brings the biography to life with stylized shots, expansive soundtrack and rapid-fire editing.

It’s also DiCaprio’s most convincing performance yet.

Incidentally, all exits in Wall Street offices are located on the ledge of the building.  Green Light

Delivery Man

If sperm banks want to compete in this market, they’ll need to open up late-night ATMs for deposits.

Fortunately, this dramedy isn’t about public jerk-off booths.

Years after donating to a sperm bank, David (Vince Vaughn), a seriously indebted meat truck driver, discovers his donations have sired 533 children.

Now, some of those kids are petitioning the courts, and the clinic, to learn the real name of the donor.

Meanwhile, David visits his children as a helpful stranger, assisting them when he can.

But needing funds for an unpaid debt, and for his pregnant girlfriend (Cobie Smulders), David sues the clinic.

Hollywood’s remake of the French-Canadian film Starbuck, Delivery Man is helmed by the writer/director of the francophone version.

However, that familiarity with the source material doesn’t save this sappy update from the annoyance of Vaughn’s incessant nattering.

Furthermore, when they are 533 of you, incest laws shouldn’t be applicable.  Red Light

***Johnny Apple Seedy***

Donor Unknown

If you’re father was a sperm donor, you’ll be reminded of him every time you masturbate.

Instead of playing with themselves, however, the offspring in this documentary are trying to locate their donor dad.

In the 1980s, Jeffrey Harrison spent a good deal of time making deposits at a cryobank under the name: Donor 150.

Twenty years later, JoEllen Marsh, one of the many children conceived from Jeffrey’s genes, connects with a half-sister over the Internet.

The peculiarity of the reunion attracts the New York Times and eventually more siblings and the donor’s identity are uncovered.

But are his progenies ready to visit the beach where their dad lives in an RV?

A fascinating true story about the past catching up with you, Donor Unknown’s paternal pathos blends well with the genetic similarities prevalent throughout Jeff’s brood.

Either way, the biggest opponent of donating to sperm banks is still Kleenex.

He’s a Sperm Bank Robber. He’s the…

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Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s a Repost-It Note. He’s the…

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Week of March 21, 2014

Be the inspirational quote Gandhi would post. First up…

Frozen

Finally, Disney addresses the issues of their aging audience with this feature about poor blood circulation.

Oops, apparently this animated movie is about an ice princess, not about icy toes.

In response to an incident involving her ability to make snow that occurred when they were young, Princess Anna (Kristen Bell) shuts herself off from her sister Elsa (Idina Menzel).

It’s not until Elsa’s coronation does Anna reappear.

Unfortunately, her frosty condition unleashes eternal winter on the kingdom. Forcing her into exile.

Now it’s up to Elsa, her guide Kristoff (Jonathan Groff) and a snowman (Josh Gad) to find Anna and convince her to lift her blustery curse.

With more than one earworm on its soundtrack and a cast with both singing and slapstick chops, Frozen is Disney’s best of the 21^st Century.

Mind you, with the power to make snow, you’ll always have a job at any ski resort.  Green Light

Saving Mr. Banks

If it weren’t for Herr Disney during WWII, Anaheim and Orlando would have become Allied strongholds.

However, this drama isn’t about Walt’s ideology, it’s about his adaptation of Mary Poppins.

After decades of being wooed by Walt Disney (Tom Hanks) to sell him the film rights to her book, a penniless P. L. Travers (Emma Thompson) agrees to fly to L.A. to help with the script.

Unfortunately, for the film’s writer (Bradley Whitford) and lyricists (Jason Schwartzman and B.J. Novak), she is an obstinate collaborator who detests animation and musicals.

Meanwhile, flashbacks of P.L.’s youth detail her relationship with her alcoholic father (Colin Farrell).

Although well acted, Mr. Banks downplays the tension between Walt and the author in order to get the desired happy ending that has become the company’s stock-in-trade.

Incidentally, I’m more curious in how Disney convinced someone to walk-around in the California heat in a mouse costume.  Yellow Light

American Hustle

The hardest part of scamming before the Internet was you had to find someone to play the son of a deposed Nigerian King.

Fortunately, the con artists in this 1970s crime-drama only have to find someone to play a Sheikh.

Irving (Christian Bale) and his girlfriend Sydney (Amy Adams) agree to help an FBI Agent (Bradley Cooper) bring down corrupt politicians to avoid conviction on their most recent swindle.

The target of the operation is a New Jersey mayor (Jeremy Renner) willing to work with the mafia to revitalize the gaming industry.

But when Irving’s dingbat wife (Jennifer Lawrence) gets involved in the dupe, it could cost them everything.

Inspired by real events, director David O. Russell assembles a crack team of talented actors to pull off an adroit script that tackles both the dramatic and comedic duties masterfully.

Mind you, the biggest swindle of the seventies is still disco.  Green Light

Mandela: Long Walk to Freedom

The perk to being a political prisoner is that you get to waste triple the amount of taxpayer dollars.

However, there are no pricey dinners for the convict in this drama.

When Nelson Mandela (Idris Elba) moves from his South African village to the segregated city to become a lawyer, his eyes are opened to the injustices in the courts and on the streets.

Compelled to march in the Anti-Apartheid protests, Mandela later bombs government buildings, and is subsequently sentenced to life in prison.

On the outside, his second-wife Winnie (Naomie Harris) leads an international campaign for his release.

With a praiseworthy performance from Elba, this adaptation of Mandela’s autobiography may not be the most artistic but it’s the most comprehensive movie about his triumphs and failures. 

And, eventually, whites and blacks in South Africa learned to get along through their mutual love of annoying other countries with the vuvuzela.  Yellow Light

***Donald Duckumentary***

Walt: The Man Behind the Myth

The key to being a rich and successful animator is reusing old backgrounds and pocketing the cash.

Mind you, the cartoonist in this documentary made a fortune through innovation.

From his early days in the mid-west scheming to fight overseas in the Great War, to his first animating gig in California, Walt Disney was as ambitious as he was talented.

But when his first character was stolen from him, Walt learned that cartoons could be cutthroat, so he protected his creations.

This paid dividends when he concocted a mouse named Mickey.

What followed was an illustrious and groundbreaking career not only in animated features but live-action, television and eventually theme parks.

Although it opts for the Disney-fied version of Walt’s private life, this collection of family photos, film clips and celebrity interviews do honour his public legacy with aplomb.

Incidentally, Disney’s most profitable rodent isn’t Mickey - it’s Miley Cyrus.

He’s Yellow Snow White. He’s the…

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