Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s a Cover Songwriter. He’s the… 

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Week of March 14, 2014

I wrote this next one to torture terror suspects. First up…

Inside Llewyn Davis

The key to being a successfull folk singer is finding the perfect street corner to busk on.

Even more prominent, the troubadour in this drama has found himself a coffee house to play at.

After his partner’s suicide, couch surfing, folk singer Llewyn Davis (Oscar Isaac) learns a fellow folk singer (Carey Mulligan) is pregnant with his baby.

Llewyn agrees to pay for the abortion and that arrangement sets the stage for his journey from Greenwich to Chicago to see a record producer (F. Murray Abraham) in hopes of establishing a solo career.

A striking recreation of the1960s café scene, directors Joel and Ethan Coen bring their oddball blend of dark humour, eccentric characters and esoteric metaphors to the format.

And while not every message is comprehensible and not every ballad is enjoyable, the artistry is undeniable.  

Incidentally, the folk singer movement ended the very day Bob Dylan became indecipherable.  Yellow Light

The Book Thief

The problem with stealing books is that no one cares they’re missing.

However, this drama takes place at time when books were both valued and feared.

To keep her safe from the Nazis, Liesel’s (Sophie Nélisse) mother sends her to live with foster parents, Hans (Geoffrey Rush) and Rosa (Emily Watson).

Whereas Rosa is stern, Hans is kindhearted and teaches Liesel to read the books she pilfers from the book burnings.

When WWII breaks out, Liesel learns Hans is harboring a Jew (Ben Schnetzer) in their basement.

To pass the time, the refugee teaches Liesel to write her own stories.

Despite omitting major sections of the book, this is a suitable adaptation of the teen novel.

But, like the book itself, the narrative never uses its fascist setting to its full potential.

Incidentally, Nazis burnt books so Hitler’s Mein Kampf would be the only one on the Best Sellers list.  Green Light

Homefront

To get rid of a meth-head, tell them there’s a cache of cold medicine hidden out in the backwoods.

Unfortunately, that won’t work for the father in this thriller because he lives in the sticks.

After an epic undercover assignment with a biker gang, which saw him kill the leader’s kin, DEA agent Phil (Jason Statham) retires to a rural community.

But when his daughter crosses a bully at school, his mother (Kate Bosworth) asks her meth-dealing brother Gator (James Franco) to intimidate Phil.

Doing so, Gator discovers Phil’s a cop, and gets his girlfriend (Winona Ryder) to notify the imprisoned gang leader - who wants to settle the score.

While the action is impression thanks to Statham, the thrills are less so thanks to Franco.

Miscasting aside, the story itself is pretty standard and ultimately uneventful.

Fortunately, in the backwoods, moonshine distillery explosions cover up any meth lab explosions.  Red Light

Out of the Furnace

The highlight of coming home from war is not having to lie on a pile of corpses, pretending to be dead anymore.

Mind you the ex-soldier in this drama performed less cowardly deeds.

Back from Iraq, Rodney (Casey Affleck) rings up a gambling debt with a local thug (Willem Dafoe). 

Russell (Christian Bale), Rodney’s brother, pays half of the debt with his paycheck, and is later incarcerated for DUI.

When he’s released from prison, Russell learns of Rodney’s involvement with underground boxing, and his subsequent death at the hands of a crazy hillbilly (Woody Harrelson).

To make things right, Russell hunts down his brother’s killer despite the sheriff’s (Forest Whitaker) warning.

While the acting talent is present and accounted for, the gritty script is hard to pin down due to its erratic and somewhat implausible nature.

Besides, to avoid future revenge scenarios, only kill people who are an only child.  Yellow Light

***Folk Me***

O Brother, Where Art Thou?

To be a valued member of any chain gain, be sure to memorize the latest and greatest work songs.

Mind you, the missing links from this comedy’s chain gang prefer folk songs.

Determined to reclaim the millions he stole and hid before his capture, Ulysses (George Clooney) and his chain mates, Pete (John Turturro) and Delmar (Tim Blake Nelson), escape.

On the lam, the fugitives encounter an array of eclectic characters, like a soulless guitarist (Chris Thomas King), a cyclopean bible salesman (John Goodman), a notorious bank robber (Michael Badalucco), and a bevy of Sirens.

Along the way, they cut a hit song under the pseudonym Soggy Bottom Boys.

Loosely based on the Odyssey, directors Joel and Ethan Coen breathe life into the Depression Era with their trademark amalgamation of fact, fiction and fantasy.

However, if they’d had the hit song beforehand then they’d never have to go to jail.

He’s Folked Up. He’s the…

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Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s a Dystopian Futurist. He’s the…

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Week of March 7, 2014

Love triangles of the future will involve at least 1 mutant. First up…

The Hunger Games: Catching Fire

When you catch fire in a dystopian future, survivors don’t extinguish it but gather around your body for warmth.

Fortunately, the conflagration in this sci-fi movie is a controlled burn.

Motivated by district uprisings resulting from the game’s most-recent winners, Katniss (Jennifer Lawrence) and Peeta (Josh Hutcherson), President Snow (Donald Sutherland) announces an all-star Third Quarter Quell.

When Katniss and her mentor’s (Woody Harrelson) names are drawn, Peeta volunteers to take his position.

Meanwhile, the other tributes (Jeffrey Wright, Jena Malone, Amanda Plummer) are just as upset over their reenrollment, and conspire to topple the affluent Capitol.

The second film based on in the teen Lit series, Catching Fire is darker than its dour predecessor, but for good reason.

Tonality aside, the eclectic cast continues to grow and excel, while the seditious story starts to take root.

Incidentally, the Hunger Games are impartial, unless, of course, there’s a Russian judge.  Green Light

12 Years a Slave

Slavery in America was so bad that slaves actually wanted to move to the frozen wilderness of Canada.

Unfortunately, the slave in this drama doesn’t make it out of New Orleans.

Touring with a performing troupe, a musician from New York, Solomon Northup (Chiwetel Ejiofor), is sold into slavery - despite being a freeman.

Liquidated to a plantation owner (Benedict Cumberbatch) under the slave name Platt, Solomon shares his insight with his master.

But when a handyman (Paul Dano) starts harassing him, Platt is sold to Epps (Michael Fassbender) to keep him safe.

There, he meets Patsey (Lupita Nyong'o), whom he tries to save from the sadistic Epps.

Based on Northup’s own account, 12 Years a Slave captures the brutality of the times with brilliant performances.

However, the director’s sullen static shots can become tedious.

Incidentally, inequality continues to exist so long as black history month only has 28 days?  Green Light

***Mr. TNT***

Black Dynamite

The difference between white sticks of dynamite and black sticks of dynamite is that the black ones are longer.

But let’s leave the racial penis jokes up to this comedy shall we.   

When his brother is mysteriously killed, former CIA operative Black Dynamite (Michael Jai White) hits the streets for answers.

Eventually, the trail leads to the government, and their plan to add a chemical to a new brand of malt liquor that will shrink the junk of every African-American man. 

But Black Dynamite and his crew (Tommy Davidson, Phil Morris, Byron Minns) are unprepared for the real perpetrator behind this cultural shriveling - a cross-dressing President Richard Nixon.

Outlandish as it is hilarious, this salute to 1970s Kung Fu and blaxploitation movies pays homage to the much-maligned genres while lampooning both to a T.

Besides, if US genital size decreases, America will no longer be a threat to China.

He’s Medium Well-Endowed. He’s the…

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He’s Spraying it Forward. He’s the…

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Week of February 28, 2014

The real lotto winners are your relatives. First up…

Nebraska

The first thing you should do after winning a million dollars is fake your own death, leaving no will.

Regrettably, the winning senior in this dramedy visits his family.

Determined to walk from Montana to Nebraska to collect a sweepstakes worth $1 million, Woody (Bruce Dern) is repeatedly picked-up by police and returned to his wife (June Squibb).

Despite the mail-in prize’s bogus appearance, Woody’s son David (Will Forte) agrees to drive him to Lincoln.

Along the way they visit Woody’s hometown, where his relations and his rival (Stacy Keach) vie for his newfound fortune.

Earnest by nature, this black and white road movie features many subtle yet superb performances from an unlikely cast.

That understated quality also applies to the surprising amount of comedy that punctuates the overall depressing narrative.

Incidentally, nothing makes children want to take care of their aging parents more than their parents winning the lottery.  Yellow Light

Blue is the Warmest Colour

When women have sex with one another do they take turns faking their orgasms?

Thankfully, the Sapphic lovers in this drama answer that question, and more.

Despite attempts to date the opposite sex, Adèle (Adèle Exarchopoulos) can’t fight her attraction to the same-sex - specifically a blue haired artist she encounters on the street.

Serendipitously, at her first lesbian bar Adèle meets the indigo girl, Emma (Léa Seydoux), and they begin a torrid love affair.

Over time, the pair makes a life with one another. But Adèle’s housewife routine isn’t enough for Emma (Léa Seydoux) whose art is starting to sell.

With lesbian love scenes that rival most porn, this French comic-book adaptation uses the waning intensity as a metaphor for the failing relationship.

Unfortunately, that relationship never feels authentic enough to care about. Neither is the 3-hour running time.

Incidentally, in an all-female relationship who gets to nags who?  Yellow Light

***Finger in the Dyke***

Show Me Love

The upside to women dating each other is that it takes them both 3 hours to get ready.

Needles to say, there’s no impatient man waiting on the ladies in this drama.

When Elin (Alexandra Dahlström) and her sister Jessica (Erica Carlson) attend Agnes’ (Rebecka Liljeberg) 16^th birthday, Jessica dares her sister to kiss Agnes, who is rumoured to be a lesbian.

Embarrassed and suicidal over the incident, Agnes is saved from death by Elin, who is still unwilling to admit her true feelings.

It’s not until she has given herself to a boy (Mathias Rust), does Elin realize her desires for Agnes.

However, her outing won’t a private affair.

Capturing the innocence and beauty of young love, this Swedish film doesn’t exploit the same-sex relationship for cheap thrills but for a commonality we all share. 

Ironically, the greatest contributors to the lesbian movement have been sexually inept teenage boys.

He’s a Throw Rug Muncher. He's the...

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Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s a Ragnarök Star. He’s the…

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Week of February 21, 2014

Norse Gods used tons of detangler. First up…

Thor: The Dark World

The upside to being the God of Thunder is that you have a solid excuse every time you fart.

Thankfully, the fair-haired deity in this action movie isn’t passing gas.

When a cosmic event creates porticos between realms, Thor’s (Chris Hemsworth) girlfriend Jane (Natalie Portman) travels through one portal and ends up being contaminated by an ancient weapon.

Jane’s contagion awakenings a Dark Elf (Christopher Eccleston) who wants to use her ailment to bring about the elves evil empire.

To prevent this, Thor must collaborate with his greatest enemy - his incarcerated half-brother Loki (Tom Hiddleston).

And it’s solely that brotherly interplay that makes this sequel acceptable.

While all the exciting elements of the original are present, Dark World lacks a villain with enough oomph to save a simplistic script that fails to venture beyond its comic book derivation.

Incidentally, the Mighty Thor is the ideal Halloween costume for Jesus.

Yellow Light

Gravity

In the 1960s women were only permitted to be astronauts so they could prepare their male counterpart’s food tubes.

Fortunately, times have changed, and the lady astronaut in this thriller can now prepare tubeless meals.

With debris from a damaged satellite fast approaching, the space-walking occupants of the Explorer - Lt. Kowalski (George Clooney) and Dr. Stone (Sandra Bullock) - prepare for impact.

Unfortunately, Stone is jettisoned from the shuttle during the shower and is set adrift in space with little oxygen, and even less of a chance of surviving.

Her only hope lies in reaching a Chinese space station, by way of a Russian module.

One of the most mind-blowing movies about space, what Gravity lacks in character development and overall story, it makes up for in awe-inspiring scenery and nerve-racking tension.

Furthermore, astronauts don’t typically take space-walks unless Chris Hadfield is strumming one of his folksy tunes again.  Green Light

***The Sun of God***

Apollo 13

The worst aspect of space travel in the 1960s was African American astronauts had to sit out on the shuttle’s wing.

Oops, my mistake. NASA had no black astronauts at the time this drama is set.

Intent on reaching the moon like his compatriot Neil Armstrong, Jim Lovell (Tom Hanks) heads up the ill-fated Apollo 13 mission.

From a sick pilot (Gary Sinise) to his rookie replacement (Kevin Bacon) to a disinterested public, Lovell’s mission gets worse by the day.

But it reaches its pinnacle when an explosion aboard Apollo forces the crew into the evacuation module.

With their air supply in danger, they must jury-rig a way to turnover the shuttle’s engine.

Based on the harrowing true story, director Ron Howard emulates the claustrophobic environment of a 1960s space capsule precisely.

Furthermore, NASA really needs to helm a mission back to the moon so they can pick-up their garbage.

He’s Full Moon-walking. He’s the…

Vidiot

 

Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s a Fool’s Gold Medalist. He’s the...

Vidiot

Week of February 14, 2014

Where’s the Skijoring podium? First up…

Ender’s Game

The upside to sending children to war is you save money on smaller coffins.

Mind you, the military in this sci-fi movie is more motivated by young people’s instinct.

Recruited by the International Fleet to join Earth’s battle against an alien threat, 15-year-old Ender (Asa Butterfield) is touted by Colonel Graff (Harrison Ford) and Major Anderson (Viola Davis) as a born tactician.

The prodigy bit, however, doesn’t sit well with the other cadets and Ender is immediately ostracized.

Eventually he makes friends (Hailee Steinfeld, Aramis Knight, Suraj Parthasarathy) and surpasses everyone in the anti-gravity war games.

Commanding his own squadron, Ender must now endure one final exercise to ultimately set about his destiny.

Based on the award-winning book, this adaptation may alter its source material but it delivers in weightless action and provocative concepts about combat.

Furthermore, we can use that gamer acumen to finally kill that giant barrel-tossing gorilla.  Green Light

About Time

To make big bucks in time travel bring retro furniture back to sell to deep-pocketed hipsters.

Regrettably, the transporter in this romantic movie cannot return with bubble chairs.

On his 21^st birthday Tim’s (Domhnall Gleeson) father (Bill Nighy) tells him he has inherited time travel abilities.

Restricted to only traversing backwards, Tim uses his newfound powers to rectify his bumbling present until it works in his favour.

This technique is never used to exertion more then when he encounters Mary (Rachel McAdams).

But what happens when Tim has a life-altering experience that he cannot alter?

A hybrid of fantasy and romance, About Time isn’t great at conveying either genre accurately.

With an awkward-looking lead, crater-sized plot holes, and an abortive approach to the laws of love and time travel, this twaddle is prosaic in any epoch.

Incidentally, on a non-time-traveling 21-year-old’s birthday, their dad usually tells them to move out.  Red Light

The Counselor

The worst part about working with Mexican drug cartels is that you not only have to buy a coffin for your wife’s body but also her head.

Surprisingly, the attorney in this thriller in under the impress he’ll need neither.

Interested in exploiting his crooked cliental, The Counselor (Michael Fassbender) partners with an importer (Brad Pitt) who’s in on a truckload of cocaine coming up North.

But when the girlfriend (Cameron Diaz) of The Counselor’s friend (Javier Bardem) hijacks the shipment, The Counselor’s wife  (Penélope Cruz) is left to pay the price.

Directed by Ridley Scott and written by Cormac McCarthy, The Counselor is a polarizing picture to say the least.

While most scenes feature deeply profound dialogue laced with allegories, there are also unforgettable scenes of strange sex and gruesome violence. 

Incidentally, if lawyers started working alongside their clients there’d be lots of lawyers exposing themselves in the park.  Yellow Light

***Space Playstation 4***

Explorers

Sending children into outer space is a great idea because it gets them off of Earth.

However, if the kids are as intelligent as the ones in this sci-fi movie then they can stay.

Inspired by a dream he had of a computer circuit that would enable space flight, Ben (Ethan Hawke) approaches his whiz kid pal Wolfgang (River Phoenix) to help build a replica.

Eventually, the pair creates an airtight force field capable of flight and protecting them from the harsh elements of space.

Employing another friend (Jason Presson) to construct a spacecraft, the trio treks into the unknown universe, discovering some harsh truths along the way.

An obvious product of its 1985 environment, this lesser known teenager space adventure has enough pseudo science, subversive sexuality and absurdity to deserve cult status.

What’s more, since there is no night or day in space, child labour laws do not apply.

He’s a Houston Problem Solver. He’s the… 

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Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s in an Uncompromising Position. He’s the…

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Week of February 7, 2014

Stubborn people win by capitulation. First up…

Dallas Buyers Club

When told you have 30 days to live, you should go buy furniture you don’t have to pay a cent for until 90 days.

Strangely, the dying man in this drama isn’t interested in ottomans.

In one fell swoop, homophobic bull rider Ron Woodroof (Matthew McConaughey) is diagnosed with HIV and given one month to live.

Unwilling to accept that fate - but unsatisfied with the approved medicine - Ron and his afflicted friend (Jared Leto) establish a network of ailing buyers for the unsanctioned AIDS medication Ron smuggles in from Mexico.

As he surpasses his death-date, Ron’s struggle against the FDA to distribute the magic pill intensifies; meanwhile the disease cuts down his customer base.

Based on true events, DBC captures the confused climate of the 1980s, while McConaughey embodies the physical and emotional strain of the impartial syndrome.

Thankfully, today, HIV/AIDS is a more manageable STI like pregnancy.  Green Light

Escape Plan

The easiest way to breakout of prison is to shank your way through the concrete walls.

Mind you, the incarcerated pair in this action movie would prefer a less strenuous plan.

Hired by the CIA to escape-proof their maximum-security penitentiary, jailhouse escape artist Ray (Sylvester Stallone) goes undercover as an inmate.

  

In the big house, he aligns himself with Emil (Arnold Schwarzenegger), a con that can help Ray get a message to his outside team (Amy Ryan, Vincent D'Onofrio, 50 Cent).

But a rat on Ray’s side is pulling the strings on the secret lockup, sending the warden (Jim Caviezel) and his men (Vinnie Jones, Sam Neill) to end Ray and Emil’s getaway.

Despite its big names, Escape Plan is a sub par throwback to the poorly acted ‘80s actioneers that made Stallone and Schwarzenegger stars.

Besides, at his age, shouldn’t Stallone be breaking out of an old folks home?  Red Light

***Take Action Hero***

The Ryan White Story

The only disease children had to worry about contracting in the early-1980s was Cabbage Patch Fever.

Unfortunately, as this biography shows, by the mid-1980s HIV/AIDS appeared.

In one fell swoop, 13-year-old Ryan White (Lukas Haas) contracted the virus through a blood transfusion and was given 30-days to live.

But it was not only the disease that weakened him, but his school banning him from attending, out of fear of infection.

Unwilling to accept the fate the doctor had prescribed and the principal has assigned her son, Ryan’s mother (Judith Light) hires a hardnosed lawyer (George C. Scott) to take the school to task.

Based on the true story of one of the first non-homosexuals to get the disease, this heart wrenching made-for-television movie may be schmaltzy, but it helped bring sympathizers to the syndrome.

Mind you, the new poster child for the fight against HIV/AIDS is now Magic Johnson’s robot.

He’s a Medical Miracle Working. He’s the…

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