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Week of November 8, 2013

My work here is overdone. First up…

Grown Ups 2

The best part of being a grown up is that you can buy alcohol for your under-age girlfriend.

Thankfully, the adults in the comedy are married to fellow grown ups.

Desperate to relive his childhood, Lenny (Adam Sandler) moves his wife (Salma Hayek) and children to his Connecticut hometown.

Reunited with grade school buddies Eric (Kevin James), Kurt (Chris Rock) and Higgins (David Spade), Lenny plans to make this summer the most memorable.

But for that to happen the gang must endure a childhood bully (Steve Astin), rowdy frat boys (Taylor Lautner, Milo Ventimiglia), an estranged son (Alexander Ludwig) and angry wives (Maya Rudolph, Maria Bello).

The unwarranted sequel to the awful original, Grown Ups 2 foregoes plot for the sake of puerile pranks perpetrated by formerly funny comedians.

Besides, growing up doesn’t mean you have to stop being a kid, it just means you can't be tried as one.  Red Light

White House Down

The upside to being an African American President is that if you are ever taken hostage, the authorities will actually negotiate for your release.

However, the higher-ups in this action movie cannot be trusted.

While U.S. Capitol Police officer John Cale (Channing Tatum) is touring the White House with his estranged daughter (Joey King), Pennsylvania Avenue is attacked by homegrown terrorists lead by a civil servant (James Woods).

During the melee, Cale comes to the aid of the president (Jamie Foxx), who is required by the gunmen to launch nuclear weapons.

Meanwhile, to avert an air strike, his daughter broadcasts vital Intel to the outside world via her Youtube channel.

Mired in patriotic rhetoric, green-screen action and an ignominious Obama impersonation from Jamie Foxx, White House Down doesn’t hide its hostage movie inspiration or it’s hackneyed plot twists.

Besides, forget launch codes - get the president’s keys to the Roswell UFO.  Red Light

Lovelace 

Before pornography was peddled to women as shoddily written Twilight fan-fiction, it was shown to men on 16mm film.

Either way, as this biography proves, both were profitable.

Straight-laced Linda Boreman (Amanda Seyfried) and her girlfriend (Juno Temple) take a go-go dancing gig at a roller rink.

On stage, Linda attracts the attention of Chuck Traynor (Peter Sarsgaard) who goads her into introducing him to her parents (Sharon Stone, Robert Patrick) - confident they will approve of him.

Chuck’s charm does its job, and soon enough they’re married.

Impressed with her oral skills, he lands Linda the lead in a porno titled Deep Throat.

A mainstream success, Linda’s life is commandeered by Chuck and navigated into a world of forced prostitution and physical abuse.

Erupting with cameos, this stylistic take on Linda’s sad sex-life is well acted, cleverly directed and brutally detailed.

However, who wants to watch a porno about Watergate?  Green Light

***Shallow Throat***

Dick

The White House would make an excellent setting for a porno, with all of its dick-heads, pussies and assholes.

Unfortunately, the Deep Throat in this comedy is really a whistleblower.

On the White House tour, Betsy (Kirsten Dunst) and Arlene (Michelle Williams) are whisked away by G. Gordon Liddy (Harry Shearer) and interrogated on their accidental involvement in Watergate.

Dumb but dangerous, President Nixon (Dan Hedaya) appoints them White House dog-walkers.

Around the oval office, however, they continue to unknowingly influence the course of history.

When dismissed from office, they decide to tell-all to Woodward (Will Ferrell) and Bernstein (Bruce McCulloch) under an assumed name inspired by a blue movie.

A witty re-imagining of the Watergate scandal, Dick has enough history to be educational, and enough laughs to make history tolerable.

Incidentally, the only ones having sex in the White House during Nixon’s reign was Checkers and Spiro Agnew’s leg.

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Week of November 1, 2013

We get education to work and work to pay-off education. First up…

Monsters University

Higher education benefits all creatures so long as they don’t major in Monster Anthropology, Monster Psychology or Monster Fine Arts.

Luckily, neither creepy co-ed in this animated-comedy is studying the aforementioned.

At M.U. for a degree in scaring children to supply energy to their world, one-eyed teenage monster Mike Wazowski (Billy Crystal) isn’t as well received at school as his fellow scarer Sulley (John Goodman).

To prove his frightfulness, Mike joins a rag-tag fraternity (Charlie Day, Joel Murray, Dave Foley, Sean Hayes) and competes in the Scare Games alongside Sulley.

But their doubt in each other threatens to cost them the event - and their education.

The prequel to Monsters Inc., Monster University reunites the monsters but doesn’t give them much to work with in the way of narrative, substance or laughs.

What’s worse, these monsters will have to carry around their student loan debt until angry villagers behead them.  Yellow Light

R.I.P.D.

If there is a ghost police department than I know exactly where all those bags of day-old donuts have been going.

Surprisingly, this action-comedy doesn’t delve into their disappearance at all.

 

After being shot-dead by his partner (Kevin Bacon), police sergeant Walker (Ryan Reynolds) finds himself in an arresting afterlife.

Enrolled in the ethereal Rest In Peace Department by Mildred Proctor (Mary-Louise Parker) and partnered with deceased US Marshal Roy (Jeff Bridges), Nick is tasked with tracking down dead souls clandestinely living among humans.

On the beat, Nick and Roy learn of a plan by the secret dead to reverse the way to heaven, sending all souls back to earth.

Based on an obscure comic book, R.I.P.D. rips off Men in Black, and adds nothing to the cooption but a cartoonish story, hokey acting and lackluster effects.

Besides, a dead police force is nothing but a burden on dead taxpayers.  Red Light

Before Midnight

Before you do anything at midnight, double check the clock to make sure that it’s not actually 12:00 noon.

Fortunately, the couple in this drama has an excellent concept of time.

Nearly a decade after we last saw them, successful American author Jesse (Ethan Hawke) and his French lover Céline (Julie Delpy) are now raising twins.

At the end of their Grecian summer vacation, the pair spends the night at a hotel. During their evening, a heated debate about their relationship is ignited.

While Céline calls Jesse’s fidelity into question, he challenges her parenting skills, which results in her doubting their love.

With its relevant stance on relationship qualms, this second sequel to Before Sunrise serves as an endearing and worthy bookend to the dialogue heavy trilogy that began in 1995.

Luckily, thanks to Greece’s recession, you can easily get out of the doghouse by buying your wife the Parthenon.  Green Light

***Underwear Graduate Degree***

 

National Lampoon's Van Wilder

Economically speaking, most parents would likely prefer to have a permanent high school student as a child than a permanent college student.

Unfortunately, the father in this comedy has the latter.

After seven-years of loafing through college, Van Wilder’s (Ryan Reynolds) dad (Tim Matheson) has enough and cuts off all funding to his son.

Forced to go it alone, Van makes an agreement with school heads that he can cram a year’s worth of information into his head in six days, and finally graduate.

But that won’t be easy, as Van is in a prank-off with a fraternity brother that doesn’t like him hitting on his girlfriend Gwen (Tara Reid).

More gross-out comedy than genuine laughs, for some reason Van Wilder has had a cult-like following that relished its over-the-top sexual perversions, and revel in the leads blasé nature.

Incidentally, the ultimate college prank is convincing students to buy textbooks. 

He’s an Old School Dropout. He’s the…

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Week of October 25, 2013

Infant formula is recommended for zombie babies. First up…

The Conjuring

The worst part of living with a male ghost is he leaves his ectoplasm all over the toilet seat.

Fortunately, a feminine phantom haunts the family in this horror film.

Carolyn (Lili Taylor), Roger (Ron Livingston) and their children (Joey King, Shanley Caswell, Mackenzie Foy, Kyla Deaver, Hayley McFarland) move to a new home in Rhode Island.

After a number of attacks from unseen attackers, the homeowners invite paranormal investigators Lorraine and Ed Warren (Vera Farmiga, Patrick Wilson) to visit and assess.

Lorraine instantly gains a psychic impress of the original owner - a supposed witch who tried to sacrifice her child - and recommends an exorcism.

With credible portrayals of both the clairvoyant couple that probed the Amityville house and the pair who owned it, The Conjuring keeps its scares simple but highly effective.

Incidentally, no matter how much you clean your house beforehand, clairvoyant guests can always see the mess.  Green Light

The Internship

Interning for adults isn’t plausible since only young people are dumb enough to work for free.

Nevertheless, the over-the-hill volunteers in this comedy are willing to give it a go.

After losing their salesmen jobs, two computer illiterates, Billy (Vince Vaughn) and Nick (Owen Wilson), apply for internships at Google.

Falsifying their way through the interview, the pair soon finds themselves competing against computer whizzes half their age.

But for the goof-offs to garner the coveted positions they must apply themselves, something Billy has a tough time doing.

However, Nick’s studious disposition is solely a result of his interest in a Google higher-up (Rose Byrne), who believes him to be just another lothario.

While the leads provide their amusing trademark banter, it’s not enough to help this predictable puff-piece transcend its clear corporate leanings.

What’s more, if these two are so out-of-touch, why didn’t they apply for internships at AltaVista?  Red Light

Only God Forgives 

If god were a woman, she would forgive you. But months later she would throw it back in your face during an argument.

However, arguing, let alone talking, isn’t an issue for the characters in this taciturn thriller.

Club owner/drug dealer, Julian (Ryan Gosling) has his past dredged up when his older brother rapes and kills a young prostitute, and is subsequently murdered by her father.

Flying to Bangkok to identify her son’s body is Julian’s estranged mother Crystal (Kristin Scott Thomas), who berates him into tracking down his brother’s killer and killing them.

Unfortunately, the target turns out to be a police lieutenant (Vithaya Pansringarm) with a penchant for hacking off limbs.

Even with Kristin Scott Thomas’ volatile performance, this art house piece has a gravitating effect that will either attract or repel viewers.

Nevertheless, it’s still sad to see helicopter parenting so prevalent in the criminal underworld.  Yellow Light

***Witchcraft Services***

The Crucible

Without the witch trials, Salem wouldn’t be able to exploit the hanging of innocent citizens for profit.

But as this drama depicts, they happened, so fridge magnets are perfectly respectful.

In 1692, the single women of Salem assemble in the forest and cast love spells on their crushes.

One such witch is Abigail (Winona Ryder), a former nanny to Elizabeth Proctor (Joan Allen), whose unfaithful husband John (Daniel Day-Lewis) now bares the brand of her blood-bound enchantment.

Later, the girls are accused of witchery. But Abigail convinces them to feign possession, brought upon them by townsfolk who practice the dark arts.

The accused, including Goody Proctor, are then tried for sorcery.

Based on Arthur Miller’s prominent play, this well-acted, all-star adaptation adheres to historical accuracy amid an adulterous love triangle that tests one man’s newfound fidelity. 

As for avoiding the gallows, just get a witch doctor to declare you insane.

He’ll Stab You in the Hunchback. He’s the…

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Week of October 18, 2013

Partners are only good for backup. First up…

The Heat

If you’re a female who can endure catcalls, physical intimidation, and sexual harassment on a daily basis, you’re ready to work with male police officers.

Fortunately, the lady law officers in this comedy can handle their co-workers.

Straight-laced FBI Agent Ashburn (Sandra Bullock) is gunning for a promotion, so she takes an assignment to bring down a Bostonian drug lord, Larkin (Taran Killam).

On the case she meets an abrasive but street-smart cop, Det. Mullins (Melissa McCarthy), who insists on helping.

Constantly clashing, their investigation struggles until they learn Mullins’ ex-con brother (Michael Rapaport) is involved with Larkin, and can get information for them.

While this foul-mouthed buddy picture does have comedic chemistry between the two leads, it’s clichéd cop-comedy script and run-on gags make it simply mediocre. 

Furthermore, having female partners isn’t logistical - if one gets her period than the other one will catch it from close proximity.  0  

Pacific Rim

Ouch! I once had a fissure on my Pacific Rim.

Oops, my mistake. This sci-fi movie is about a fissure in the ocean floor, not one’s anus.

Under attack from colossal sea-creatures, the military constructs Jaegars, large-scale automatons controlled by pilots, Raleigh (Charlie Hunnam) and Yancy (Diego Klattenhoff), to fight back.

But overtime their armour becomes obsolete and other avenues are pursued.

With months left in operation, Commander Stacker (Idris Elba) initiates a final mission to detonate a warhead in the monster’s portico.

Recruiting Raleigh and pairing him with an orphan (Rinko Kikuchi), Stacker has one last chance to destroy the ever-adapting enemy.

Guillermo del Toro’s ode to Godzilla and Gundam, Pacific Rim’s best moments are its bombastic battles, while its worst are when the leads are outside their suits.

Furthermore, if giant monsters are anything like us, can you imagine the kinky things they’d do with a life-sized robot?  0

The Way Way Back

The best thing about summer with your mom’s new boyfriend’s family is that you don’t have to remember anyone’s name.

And while this dramedy isn’t about the ephemeral nature of post-divorce relationships, it is about their complications.

Forced to accompany his mother (Toni Collette) to her boyfriend Trent’s (Steve Carell) cabin for the summer, Duncan (Liam James) has a hard time fitting in with Trent’s daughter and their neighbour (AnnaSophia Robb).

Finding solace in a water-park run-by a middle-age burnout (Sam Rockwell), the introspective Duncan breaks from his shell and starts dating the neighbour.

As summer continues, so does the berating from Trent, who isn’t as pious as he portrays.

While the sulky lead can be annoying and the water-park crew creepy, this coming-of-age teen-romance has more strengths than weaknesses.

Incidentally, the experiences you gain from watching people slide down a tube will benefit you the rest of your life.  0

***OMG! (Oh My Giants)***

Village of the Giants

The important thing about living with gigantic teenagers is not being buried under falling puss from their popped pimples.

Fortunately, the overgrown adolescents in this sci-fi comedy are clear-skinned.

When a car of rowdy teens lead by Fred (Beau Bridges) breaks down in a small town, they come across a local youngster, Genius (Ron Howard), who has a substance that causes gigantism in its consumers.

Stealing a batch, the gang gobbles it down and grows 30-feet tall.

The towering teens then take-over the town and terrorize its citizens.

Now, it’s up to Genius’ sister Nancy (Charla Doherty) and her boyfriend (Tommy Kirk) to administer the antidote before it’s too late.

With a swinging soundtrack from The Beau Brummels, this low-budget adaptation of an H.G. Wells tale is made marvelous by its over-sized mechanical props.

However, one sock hop from these kids and the West Cost crumbles into the Pacific Ocean.

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Week of October 11, 2013

Being heartless means no blood circulation. First up…

The Hangover Part III

The easiest way to cope with a hangover is to build your tolerance by becoming a full-blown alcoholic.

Unfortunately, there are no libations in this comedy to binge upon.

When he goes off his medication, Alan (Zach Galifianakis) causes a disaster that subsequently kills his father.

Asked to escort him to rehab, his brother-in-law Doug (Justin Bartha) and his friends Phil (Bradley Cooper) and Stu (Ed Helms) drive Alan to Arizona.

However, a kingpin (John Goodman) commanders their vehicle, takes Doug hostage, and orders them to bring him Mr. Chow (Ken Jeong).

But to do that they must help Mr. Chow steal millions.

The final installment of the series, Part III is more of a teetotaling manhunt for an annoying character than it is the hair-of-the-dog comedy the franchise started as.

Furthermore, to prevent hangovers, after every drink at the bar: take 2 aspirins and eat a stack of pancakes.  0

After Earth

Returning to Earth after an evacuation means front-row tickets to every musical the mutated survivors perform.

Mind you, the stranded family in this sci-fi movie doesn’t have time for Broadway.

When their military vehicle’s struck by an asteroid, retiring officer Cyper (Will Smith) and his son Kitai (Jaden Smith) crash-land on the planet their people abandoned one-thousand-years ago.

With two broken legs, Cyper is unable to accompany Kitai on his mission to retrieve a homing beacon.

Via com-link, Cyper guides Kitai through Earth’s cruel terrain, which is populated with evolved predators. 

Meanwhile, an alien prisoner abroad their ship escapes, and hunts down Kitai.

M. Night Shyamalan’s tedious space tale about father/son relationships, After Earth offers little in ingenuity but lots of bad acting from Jaden Smith.

The downside to being on a desolate Earth with your dad is that there’ll be more than one Mr. Smith in the phone book.  0

Much Ado About Nothing 

When performing Shakespeare live, if anything goes wrong, you can abort the whole production by just yelling Macbeth.

Unfortunately, that won’t work for the performers in this film adaptation.

When the Prince of Aragon (Reed Diamond) visits the home of Leonato (Clark Gregg), his daughter Hero (Jillian Morgese) and her cousin Beatrice (Amy Acker), he plays matchmaker for his noblemen, Claudio (Fran Kranz) and Benedick (Alexis Denisof).

However, the prince’s imprisoned half-brother, Don John (Sean Maher), means to sabotage Hero’s union to Claudio by making him believe she’s unfaithful.

Meanwhile, Constable Dogberry (Nathan Fillion) and his inept agents investigate rumours of Don John’s scheming.

Despite its barebones staging, hokey soundtrack, and unseasoned actors, Joss Whedon’s black-and-white adaptation of the bard’s romantic comedy does bring some merriment to the stuffy Old English dialogue.

Furthermore, to stop a marriage in a Shakespearean play: tell the audience the bride is really a male actor.  0

The Purge 

Luckily, those in cold climates are protected from home invasion by thin layers of clear plastic film insulating their windows.

Regrettably, the family in this thriller lives in sunny California.

One day of the year the new leaders of the US government make it legal to kill anyone you wish, so long as it happens within a 12-hour period.

While it’s characteristically the homeless who are purged, this year a home security salesman James (Ethan Hawke), his wife (Lena Headey) and two kids, Zoey (Adelaide Kane) and Charlie (Max Burkholder), are the target of a gang of affluent attackers.

When Charlie provides shelter for an injured stranger (Edwin Hodge), their high-tech home can’t protect them from the human animal.

Spoiling its philosophical merits with an unfocussed story and clichéd gunfights, The Purge never reaches its full potential.

What’s more, family members are the most likely to want to kill you.  0

***Ritual Thrilling***

The Wicker Man 

The key to a good harvest is ensuring your crops are poppy plants that can be made into high-grade opium.

The farmers in this horror movie, however, have more monstrous methods for producing yields.

Called to the remote Scottish island of Summerisle to locate a missing girl, Rowan Morrison (Gerry Cowper), police sergeant Howie (Edward Woodward) finds the hamlet and its residents to be quite odd.

A chaste Christian by nature, Sgt. Howie finds the towns pagan beliefs to be off-putting at times, and seductive at others.

As he delves further into the village’s history, Howie discovers the diabolical deeds done by Lord Summerisle (Christopher Lee) and his fellow islanders each planting season.

A moody and maleficent shocker, The Wicker Man is a solid mystery with a twist ending enwrapped in repressed sexual tension, phallic symbolism and pagan effigies.

Besides, everyone knows sacrificing virgins only guarantees a bountiful cherry harvest.

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Week of October 4, 2013

Cro-Magnon had the first granite countertops. First up…

The Croods 

The advantage to being a caveman is that it takes absolutely no effort to stay on a Paleolithic diet.

However, the hunter-gatherers in this animated adventure are having a hard time eating at all.

Forced to live in a cave alongside the rest of her family (Nicolas Cage, Catherine Keener, Clark Duke, Cloris Leachman), teenage troglodyte Eep (Emma Stone) takes every opportunity to explore the outside.

One day she meets a cave-boy (Ryan Reynolds), who not only possesses fire but a plan to escape the pending end.

When an earthquake leaves her clan homeless, she asks him to help lead her family to safety - much to the chagrin of her overprotective patriarch.

While the animation is crude and the history completely skewed, The Croods prospers thanks to its archetypal characters and its goofy sense of humour. 

Furthermore, it’s fascinating to know that cave people will eventually evolved into Creationists.  0

This is the End

The annoying thing about the Apocalypse is that God’s name is the only one that will appear in the end credits.

Fortunately, this comedy’s end credits are a star-studded affair.

When Jay Baruchel visits LA, Seth Rogen takes him to James Franco’s house party, and introduces him to his new friends.

Uneasy with the prominent partygoers (Emma Watson, Rihanna, Michael Cera, Jason Segel, Mindy Kaling), Jay flees the festivities only to discover the Rapture has begun.

Hold up in Franco’s house with Jonah Hill, Craig Robinson and Danny McBride, Jay and Seth work on their troubled friendship, as they consume drugs and conserve food.

Outside, Hell’s minions stalk the Hollywood Hills.

Not as funny as projected, this reality-wrapping parody relies too heavily on movie-references and penis jokes to propel its unique script.

Besides, everyone knows that young Hollywood would rather spend their final days in the company of the paparazzi.  0

***It’s a Cave, Man*** 

    

Encino Man

The fortunate thing for a caveman in contemporary California is restaurants already carter to his Paleolithic diet.

Mind you, the modern early-man in this comedy would prefer pizza to roots.

Excavating his parents’ backyard, high school loser Dave (Sean Astin) and his friend Stoney (Pauly Shore) uncover an Ice Man.

When he thaws, the duo clean him up, christen him Link (Brendan Fraser) and take him to school as an exchange student.

And while Link’s antics land Dave and Stoney the popularity that they so desperately crave before Prom, it costs Dave his crush (Megan Ward), and Stoney his best friend.

Despite its feeble fish out of the Stone Age storyline, Encino Man’s bevy of affable characters and laughable situations help it evolve from a lame to a lovable farce.

Nevertheless, missing links shouldn’t be at school all-day. They should be at the museum reenacting their lives twice every hour.

He’s a Foot-Long Pizza Subspecies. He’s the… 

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