Vidiot
Week of December 14, 2012
You can’t beat turkey and stocking stuffing. First up…
Ted
Typically, when an adult male still resides with the teddy bear he grew up with, the toy has since been grossly perforated with penis holes.
Fortunately, the stuffed-animal in this comedy appears to have all the correct orifices; however, one can converse.
Twenty-seven years after wising his inanimate Christmas present to life, 30-something John (Mark Wahlberg) now lives with the foul-mouthed plush Ted (Seth MacFarlane).
But when John’s girlfriend (Mila Kunis) grows tired of Ted’s debauchery and gives John an ultimatum, Ted’s left to fend for himself.
Meanwhile, a rabid fan (Giovanni Ribisi) that obsessed over John’s possessed plaything growing up plots Ted’s abduction.
Conceived by the creator of Family Guy, Ted contains the same rudimentary comedy elements as its brethren: talking animals, odious behaviour, and laugh free jokes based on referencing stuff from the 1980s.
Besides, wouldn’t a boy from the ‘80s rather wish his sister’s She-Ra doll to life? 0
Ice Age: Continental Drift
The best thing about living during an ice age is you don’t have to confine your perishables to the refrigerator.
Unfortunately, this animated-adventure doesn’t lionize luncheon meat in the living room, but instead glorifies family.
When the earth’s crust cracks, it separates Manny: the Woolly Mammoth (Ray Romano) from his wife (Queen Latifah) and daughter (Keke Palmer).
Luckily, his friends Diego: the saber-toothed cat (Denis Leary) and Sid: the sloth (John Leguizamo) are there to help him find his way home.
But before he can be reunited with his kin, Manny must outfox a prehistoric ape pirate (Peter Dinklage) and his anthropomorphic crew (Jennifer Lopez, Aziz Ansari).
No greater nor worse than any of the franchises 3 sequels, Ice Age 4 continues the deleterious tradition of inane prattle spewed by annoying characters on asinine adventures.
In fact, these creatures would be more interesting as fossilized skeletons with museum labels attached. 0
The Bourne Legacy
The worst part of succeeding an assassin that just quit is that all of your victims will scream their codename when you kill them.
Fortunately, the murderer in this action movie is so swift his soubriquet won’t even touch his target’s lips.
Aaron (Jeremy Renner) is a government operative training up north when the classified gene enhancement programs that created him are publicized.
To conceal his tracks, Aaron’s boss (Edward Norton) orders all agents eradicated - as well as the scientists working on the chemicals that keep the killers calm.
Evading execution, Aaron and a surviving scientist (Rachel Weisz) search for the serum that will keep Aaron sane.
While it departs from the real-world ambiance of its predecessors, this 4th installment drops loads of Intel on the top-secret programs and dollops on heaps of action.
Incidentally, the child of an assassin and a scientist would use a microscope on their rifle. 0
***Suicide Letters to Santa***
Lethal Weapon
The best thing about being a cop at Christmas is that you don’t need the fake belly to play Santa.
Surprising, the flatfoots in this action movie are quite fit, albeit not mentally.
During the holiday season a prostitute is murdered, and her death is made to look like a suicide.
Assigned to the case are cranky L.A.P.D. Sergeant Murtaugh (Danny Glover) and his loose cannon colleague Riggs (Mel Gibson).
Together, the unorthodox pair expose a heroin trafficking ring run by ex-special forces (Mitchell Ryan, Gary Busey).
But with Murtaugh’s family in jeopardy, the duo may not be able to prevent the former flattops smuggling in the largest shipments of smack into L.A.
From the combustible chemistry of the two leads, to the shadowy seasonal storyline, this initial installment of the successful series is still the quintessential buddy picture.
Incidentally, Valium remains the number one drug choice of the holidays.
He’s a Christmas Cheerleader. He’s the…
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