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He’s Archangel Hair Pasta. He’s the…

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Week of March 9, 2012

Earth is the Gods' E! channel. First up…

Immortals

If an eternal race of beings is on Earth right now, they had better be paying, like, quadruple the taxes that mortals are.

Unfortunately, this fantasy film focuses more on the facet of Immortal warfare than it does their taxes.

In search of a bow that will unleash the Titans, thus exacting his revenge on the Gods who spurned his family, Hyperion (Mickey Rourke) and his Immortals rampage the countryside.

In one village, Hyperion comes across a worthy warrior Theseus (Henry Cavill), whom he takes captive.

Later, when Theseus and his cellmate (Stephen Dorff) escape, they–along with a soothsayer (Freida Pinto) who knows the bow’s location–embark on journey to find it.

Though a visually stunning version of a myriad of myths, Immortals’ narrative, regrettably, doesn’t have the same impact.

Besides, if Greek Gods exist, one of ‘em better take the form of a trillion-dollar-bill and bail out Greece.  0

Jack and Jill

If people don’t know that you have a twin sister, and they see her walking around in a dress, as a man, they'll just assume that you’re a cross-dresser.

Fortunately, the fraternal twins in this comedy live in different cities.

When Jack’s (Adam Sandler) annoying twin sister Jill (Adam Sandler) comes to visit him and his wife (Katie Holmes) for Thanksgiving, her needy nature drives him crazy.

After unsuccessfully exporting her home after the holidays, Jack pawns her off on online dates.

When that fails, he decides to exploit the attraction that Al Pacino has towards his sister, in hopes of landing the actor for an ad campaign.

An audacious attempt at doing drag, Adam Sandler has reached an unprecedented new low in his career with this immature mess.  

Incidentally, for a guy, the worst part of being linked to a twin sister is experiencing her menstrual cramps every cycle.  0 

Footloose

If your foot is loose, you may have leprosy. If you have leprosy, dancing could cause your foot to fly off and kick someone in the face.

Fortunately, the limbs of the youngsters in this drama have been checked for lesions.

When his mother dies, Ren (Kenny Wormald) moves to a small-town to live with his relatives.

Unfamiliar with the town’s ban on dancing, Ren runs afoul of the reverend (Dennis Quaid), whose son was killed in a car crash after an unsanctioned soirée, and whose daughter (Julianne Hough) Ren can’t stop thinking about.

Intent on cutting a rug, Ren and the teens of the totalitarian township team up to lift the draconian dance laws.

Though it never strays from the original’s shadow, this shot-for-shot remake does do an admirable job of including soundtrack standouts.

Besides, if God didn’t want us to dance, why would he give us booties?  0

***Par for the Chorus***

Shout

Rock n’ Roll has been associated with sin ever since the white man stole the sound from African-American musicians.

And while the music teacher in this drama isn’t intent on co-opting black culture, he is intent on using the up-beat arrangements to inspire his students.

On the lam from police, harmonica-player Jack (John Travolta) holes up in an all-boys school, where he lands a gig teaching marching progressions.

A rebel-at-heart, however, Jack tutors his students (James Walters, Scott Coffey, Glenn Quinn) on a new rhythm that’s sweeping the nation.

Meanwhile, the pious principal (Richard Jordan) is displeased with Jack’s teaching of the devil’s music as well as one student’s intentions towards his daughter (Heather Graham).

A cheesy teen revolt against the puritanical beliefs that plague a small-town, Shout is as seditious as it is silly.

Besides, playing Rock n’ Roll won't conjure up demons until you play it backwards. 

He’s Sock Hopped-up. He’s the…

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Week of March 2, 2012

Robot workers can't strike in the rain. First up…

Hugo

Toy collectors will never allow their children to play with their collection, because they know it'll be returned in only near mint condition.

Fortunately, for the kid in this mystery, his hobbyist dad is dead.

After his father’s untimely death, 12-year-old Hugo (Asa Butterfield) goes to live inside of a train station's clock tower with his uncle.

Left to fend for himself after his uncle dies, Hugo spends his days stealing what he needs, winds the clock, and tinkers with his pop’s prized automaton. 

It’s not until Hugo befriends a kiosk owner’s (Ben Kingsley) granddaughter (Chloë Grace Moretz) that he begins to unravel the mystery surrounding the android’s origins. 

A fictitious biography of silent film’s most prolific director Georges Méliès, Hugo is a magical mustering of movie lore and personal pathos.

However, this doesn’t mean you should reconnect with your estranged father through his doll collection, especially the inflatable ones.  0

Puss in Boots

In our reality, a cat wearing boots and a Cavalier hat with an ostrich plume would amount to nothing but an idiotic viral video.

However, in this animated feature, a fancy feline such as that is an illustrious highwayman.

While on a mission to filch magic beans from Jack (Billy Bob Thornton) and Jill (Amy Sedaris), Puss (Antonio Banderas) runs afoul of a rival thief (Salma Hayek) working for his ex-partner Humpty Dumpty (Zach Galifianakis).

After some persuading, Puss agrees to help Humpty appropriate the enchanted legumes, in hopes of growing a beanstalk and getting his paws on some golden eggs.

A spin-off of the Shrek series, Puss in Boots sparkles in a way its parent franchise hasn’t for years, in both the quality of the comedy and animation.

Although, it’d be impossible for a cat to be a successful thief - they’d leave hair all over the crime scene.  0

Johnny English Reborn

The worst part of being reborn is trying to fit back up your mother’s vagina.

Luckily, the usage of the word "reborn" in this comedy applies to a metaphor, and not the act of reentering the womb.

Asked to return to active duty by the new chief of MI7 (Gillian Anderson), exiled secret agent Johnny English (Rowan Atkinson) returns to London to prevent the assassination of the Chinese prime minister.

Partnered with a rookie (Daniel Kaluuya), English bumbles his way through the case and accidentally uncovers a league of killers with connections to MI7.

Unfortunately, English’s susceptibility towards their "drug" causes him to go rogue.

A flaccid sequel to the lifeless original, Johnny English Reborn is nothing but a retread of past pratfalls played out amid a predictable, juvenile plotline.

Incidentally, disregarding retirement age means new recruits will have to wait twice as long to get promoted to double agent.  0

***Uncanny Valley of the Dolls***

Bicentennial Man

Considering that their immeasurable strength can scrub out any underwear skid mark, automatons are ideal servants.

Unfortunately, the hardwired housekeeper in this sci-fi film is more concerned with being human than doing humans' laundry.

A domestic helper automaton, Andrew (Robin Williams), is introduced to the Martin household, where his interactions with the owner’s (Sam Neill) daughters cause him to display cognitive skills and emotions.

Years later, when emancipated from service, he begins the long journey to become human, which includes developing a central nervous system and forming a sexual relationship with a human female. 

All the while, petitioning the World Congress to recognize him as human.

Though Bicentennial Man’s philosophical quandaries concerning robotic rights is indicative of the Isaac Asimov story it’s based on, this interpretation of those proceedings are interminable and schmaltzy.

Besides, the easiest way for a robot to become human is for it to start complaining about its weight.

He Weighs an Automaton. He's the...

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Week of February 25, 2012

How do I get an alibi app? First up…

J. Edgar

Finally! We get a respectful biography of one of the true pioneers of powerful upright suckage.

Oops! Apparently, the man in this drama is based on the FBI director and not the vacuum magnate with whom he shares a last name.

With a scribe (Ed Westwick) to record the truth as he saw it, Hoover (Leonardo DiCaprio) recounts his most memorable moments, from the kidnapping of Lindbergh’s (Josh Lucas) baby to the arrests of the era’s most infamous bank robbers.

Amid his ramblings, Hoover also touches upon his personal relationships with his mother (Judi Dench), his secretary (Naomi Watts) and his rumoured life-partner Clyde Tolson (Armie Hammer).

While director Clint Eastwood masterfully captures the indelible events of the conceited crime-fighter’s career, his handling of the narrative and the make-up is simply amateurish.

And here we all thought the acronym pertained to females, when all along FBI meant: Firm Boner Inspector.  0

Tower Heist

When stealing skyscrapers it’s important to plot escape routes through the city that don’t involve driving through tunnels or beneath under passes.

Fortunately, the burglars behind the high-rise heist in this comedy aren’t taking the tower but what’s inside it.

When the building manager of a high-end apartment, Josh (Ben Stiller), learns that his wealthiest resident (Alan Alda) has been charged with fraud, he must tell his employees (Casey Affleck, Gabourey Sidibe, Michael Peña) he invested their pension with the accused, and now it’s gone.

Racked with guilt, he rounds up other desperate men (Eddie Murphy, Matthew Broderick) to help him crack the swindler’s safe.

A moderate return to form for Eddie Murphy, as well as a timely plotline, Tower Heist manages to convert a trite storyline into a mid-grade comedy.

Incidentally, having thieves running around your apartment is less annoying than someone letting Jehovah’s Witnesses in to the building.  0

***The French Connection***

Bande à part

Criminals come in many forms. But to be successful it’s important that you commit crimes with fake tattoos, a noticeable limp, and an Irish accent.

Unfortunately, the thieves in this heist movie decided to go with their native French tongue.

Taking an English class together, three disfranchised Parisian youths, Odile (Anna Karina), Arthur (Claude Brasseur) and Franz (Sami Frey), decide to fleece a houseguest of Odile’s aunt of his fortune.

Attracted to Odile, both Arthur and Franz agree to the heist; however, their plan is expedited after Arthur’s uncle gets wind of the available cash.

Forced to rob the visitor at once, the trio’s simple plan becomes a problematic bloodbath.

A subtle stick’em up, imbued with director Jean-Luc Godard’s New Wave vision, Bande à part is an unconventional love story amid an unprofessional heist.

Besides, don’t French robbers have a reputation of surrendering their arms if you saw you’re German?

He’s an Information Superhighwayman. He’s the…

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Week of February 17, 2012

What the hallucinogen? First up…

The Rum Dairy

It's guaranteed any diary kept by Rum is bound to include intimate details on its relationship with Coke and lime.

And while this dramedy doesn’t dish on which accoutrement made the best lover, it does divulge how Rum only leads to trouble.

As a last resort, a codependent correspondent, Kemp (Johnny Depp), takes a post writing for a newspaper in Puerto Rico.

His presence immediately attracts local entrepreneur Sanderson (Aaron Eckhart) who is looking to put a positive spin on his redevelopment of the island.

Obliging at first, if only to be near Sanderson’s fiancée (Amber Heard), Kemp’s disdain for the shady shark forces him to finally take up a position in his prose.

Based on Hunter S. Thompson’s book, The Rum Diary does have amiable characters and gonzo situations; however, its inattentiveness towards its focus erodes away at both.

Besides, who can afford "distilled" alcohol on a journalist’s salary?  0

***Royal Flush Your Stash*** 

Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas

Astonishingly enough, fear and loathing are only two of the emotions you experience in Las Vegas - the other three being shame, bankruptcy and itchy groin.

Thankfully, the chemically altered correspondent in this comedy is so high the only emotion he feels is paranoia.

En route to cover an off-road race through the Nevada desert, magazine writer Duke (Johnny Depp) and his fanatical lawyer, Dr. Gonzo (Benicio del Toro), begin consuming psychotropic drugs.

Once in Sin City, Duke and the doctor carry on self-medicating, resulting in a hallucinogenic journey through the arid jungle wherein they encounter the eccentric creatures that temporarily inhabit it.

A psychedelic nightmare shifting in and out of reality, Fear and Loathing’s comical leads keep the film’s kaleidoscopic camera-work and incoherent story from imploding.

Besides, the only drug you need to have fun in Vegas is the oxygen laced air casino’s pump in to keep you awake.

He Doesn’t Give a Craps. He’s the…

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Week of February 10, 2012

A vampire could have a bright future as a medical leech. First up…

The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 1

When a woman marries a vampire she must be prepared for the unexpected, like, when the groom and his side of the family spontaneously combust inside the church.

Fortunately, the unconventional couple in this drama exchanged their vows sans God.

On the eve of her marriage to the vampire Edward (Robert Pattinson), 18-year-old Bella (Kristen Stewart) is fraught by doubt over tying the knot.

Though the ceremony is a success, a subsequent visit from Jacob (Taylor Lautner) reignites the war between werewolves and vampires, when he learns of the couple’s plan to conceive while Bella is still mortal.

As expected, her health deteriorates when her body cannot handle the rapid gestation.

The fourth installment of the popular film franchise, Breaking Dawn is a melodramatic maelstrom of weepy alt-rock love songs and nightmarish imagery of teen pregnancy.

Besides, what woman wants to simultaneously breast-feed her newborn and neck-feed her new husband?  0

Anonymous

Finally! They’ve made a film about the most prolific message poster on the Internet.

Oops! Apparently this drama isn’t about the unknown author of those profane comments on the web, but some other writer.

Due to his stature, the Earl of Oxford (Rhys Ifans) is unable to take credit for the literary works he has written over the course of his life. Instead, he selects a satirical playwright (Sebastian Armesto) to assume authorship.

While audiences are enraptured by his first play, when the writer is brought on to the stage, the Earl is shocked to learn that his hire has shirked responsibility onto an actor, Shakespeare (Rafe Spall).

Inspired by a theory suggesting Shakespeare did not pen his own plays, Anonymous takes poetic license with history, but not without raising some valid questions.

Fortunately, with Shakespeare’s authenticity in question, we can now say “Macbeth” in a theater without fear of consequence.  0

A Very Harold & Kumar 3D Christmas

It makes perfect sense that people would want to get high on marijuana during the holiday season: Christmas is pure munchie heaven.

Unfortunately, the stoners in this comedy are too wrapped up in their search for a Christmas tree to enjoy a stuffing sandwich on gingerbread.  

After receiving a package addressed to his estrange chum Harold (John Cho), Kumar (Kal Penn) heads to the suburbs to return it.

However, the gift leads to the destruction of Harold’s father-in-law’s homegrown tree. Now, the duo must put aside their differences in order to find a replacement and save Harold from his in-law’s wrath. 

Along the way, the pair converge with old acquaintances (Neil Patrick Harris, Eddie Kaye Thomas, David Krumholtz). 

The third installment of the green-budded buddy-comedy, Harold & Kumar still have plenty of potshots in their bong to deliver the giggles.

Besides, the red-eyes that accompany smoking weed are very festive.  0

***No Holds Bard***

Shakespeare in Love

The best thing about actresses in Shakespeare’s day was that their booming baritone voices could reach the back of the theater.

And while testicles attributed to their potent projection, the woman in this drama believes she can do so without.

Deciding to take his latest play in a new direction, William Shakespeare (Joseph Fiennes) finds a muse in a male actor trying out for the role of Romeo, whom he later discovers is actually a merchant’s daughter, Viola (Gwyneth Paltrow).

However, the bard’s upcoming play and love affair are threatened by news that there is a woman in the acting troupe.  

A fictional account of the real world tribulations that served to inspire Shakespeare’s most of prolific play, Shakespeare in Love is imbued with bold performances and rollicking references to the bard’s body of work.

In fact, while writing Othello, he is also rumoured to have dated a black man.

He’s a One-act Plagiarist. He's the...

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Week of February 3, 2012

Always be impaired. First up… 

Drive

As a getaway driver, it’s vitally important to remember to always bring an empty bottle along to urinate in to while you wait.

However, to avoid the cumbersomeness of carrying a pee jar, the wheelman in this drama instead has a 5-minute waiting rule. 

When an introverted getaway driver (Ryan Gosling) falls for his neighbour (Carey Mulligan), he must also serve as surrogate father to her son.

But when her husband returns, the driver must then use his talents to assist him with a job that will settle the debts he accumulated while in prison.

Unfortunately, it’s a set-up, and the driver is left holding the moneybag belonging to an overzealous gangster (Ron Perlman).

A reserved romance, fuel-injected with revs of unbridled violence, Drive elegantly traverses the line separating foreign from domestic storytelling sensibilities.

However, if this were truly a European film then the driver would have to be intoxicated. 0

The Thing

Finally, they’ve made a movie about that indescribable object that you forever need pushed, turned or passed to you.

Oops! Apparently, the thing in this horror movie is an alien, and not that thing with those thingies on it.

When a research team uncovers a spacecraft beneath Antarctica’s terrain, a paleontologist, Kate (Mary Elizabeth Winstead), is hired to examine the frozen entity found near the wreckage.

Arriving in the remote region, Kate, her pilots (Joel Edgerton, Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje) and the research team find themselves stalked by the thawed species.

Able to replicate what it has absorbed, a cloud of suspicion disperses over the remaining survivors as they try to separate friend from foe.

A prequel to the 1982 remake of the 1952 classic, this faithful but flawed version dispenses with ambiance and gets right down to gore.

Incidentally, the crash site proves that aliens are just like us: bad drivers.  0

In Time

The worst thing about being 25 the rest of your life is that you’ll continue to make bad career choices for eternity.

Fortunately, the future offered in this sci-fi film doesn’t allow for many stuff-your-own sausage restaurants.

In a world where everyone has one year to live after turning 25 – unless they accumulate more minutes – a blue-collar worker, Will (Justin Timberlake), is granted nearly a century of time.

While his newfound prosperity ups his position, it also attracts a ruthless time thief (Alex Pettyfer) and a persistent timekeeper (Cillian Murphy).

Sick of their separatist society, Will and the daughter of a businessman (Amanda Seyfried) begin robbing time banks and passing the minutes on to the poor.

Though the concept put forth by this movie is an intriguing one, its overall worth is devalued by Timberlake’s ghastly performance.  

Unfortunately, for females living in a time sensitive civilization, sex is even shorter.  0 

Dream House

The best thing about buying a murder house is you won’t need to put any Halloween decorations up to scare trick-or-treaters.

Unfortunately, the new owner of the infamous crime house in this horror movie refuses to acknowledge that benefit.

Shortly after Peter (Daniel Craig) moves his wife Elizabeth (Rachel Weisz) and their daughters in to their new home, he learns from the locals that the previous resident had killed his wife and children.

His frustration turns to confusion when Peter begins to notice cracks in his reality that suggest he may have been more involved in the slayings than he’d care to admit.

While the ending does offer salvation for those able to wade through the convoluted storyline, Dream House is ultimately primed for foreclosure.

Besides, during this economic downturn, it’s more beneficial to stop snooping for the truth and just open your home up to busloads of murder tours.  0

***How Bungalow Can You Go?***

Mr. Blandings Builds His Dream House

The key to buying a fixer upper for your family to move in to is to not buy a fixer upper at all.

Unfortunately, the advertising executive in this comedy got suckered into buying this money-pit.

Fed up with the cramped confines of his crowded New York apartment, Mr. Blandings (Cary Grant) makes an executive decision to move his wife (Myrna Loy) and their daughters to a palatial Connecticut homestead.

Blandings’ dream house, however, becomes a nightmare when he must teardown the structure and rebuild anew.

Compounding Blandings’ situation is a new account and suspicion that his wife's having an affair.

An overview of the tribulations attributed to renovating, including the toll it takes on marriage, Mr. Blandings’ Dream House is both hilarious and frightening.

However, the hardest part of renovating any decrepit country home is getting the squatters to hold off on their defecating until the kitchen’s been retiled.

He's an Ensuite Heart. He's the...

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