Be Kind, Please Rewind

He Bakes his Own Destiny. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of June 24, 2011 

Kismet the Cook. First up…

The Adjustment Bureau

The best thing about a secret agency controlling the destiny of humans is that it allows us more time to focus on "planking".

However, to the political candidate in this sci-fi feature, freewill is paramount.

Practicing his speech in a washroom, congressman Norris (Matt Damon) is cornered by a strange woman, Elise (Emily Blunt), who insists he be more candid with the electorate.

On her recommendation, Norris finds himself propelled into the senate race.

But when he inadvertently encounters a cluster of suspicious looking characters readjusting his friend’s brain, he is made privy to a plan by a clandestine company to keep him and Elise from meeting.

Adapted from a Philip K. Dick story, The Adjustment Bureau offers interesting exposition on the origins of providence; however, its goofy acting and retro costuming are a misstep.

Besides, no one controls humanity's fate…except for those 3 crones with the spinning wheel.  0

Unknown

The best thing about suffering amnesia while visiting a European city is that you won’t remember the size of North American bathrooms.

Unfortunately, the diminutive dimensions of the loo are the last thing on the mind of the memory loss sufferer in this mystery.

Arriving at a hotel in Berlin, Dr. Harris (Liam Neeson) suddenly realizes that he forgot his briefcase at the airport.

Abandoning his wife Liz (January Jones) in the lobby, Harris hails a cab. En route, the taxi plunges into the river.

Revived in hospital with no memory, Harris retraces his steps beginning with the cab driver (Diane Kruger).

When he is finally reunited with his wife, Harris' stunned to find her with another man claiming to be Dr. Harris (Aidan Quinn).

With its scenic setting, intense acting and tolerable twists, Unknown is a capable whodunit.

As for travel related amnesia, I think baggage handlers have it.  0

The Diary of a Wimpy Kid: Rodrick Rules  

First of all, no one calls them diaries – they’re blogs. Secondly, they’re only for moms who believe they know everything about child rearing.

And while the wimpy kid in this comedy still handwrites, he is getting acquainted with the Internet.

In search of attention, Greg (Zachary Gordon) and his friend Rowley (Robert Capron) release a viral video on the web.

Meanwhile, his older brother Rodrick (Devon Bostick) and his band prep for an upcoming school talent show.

One night, however, while their parents (Rachael Harris, Steve Zahn) are away, Rodrick throws a house party.

Originally against the gathering, Greg eventually embraces it.

Later, when their parents find photos of the party, a fissure in the brothers newly formed friendship begins to form.

Addressing brotherly issues this time around, Wimpy Kid 2 maintains equivalent levels of high jinks compared to its predecessor.

As for the school showcase, is bullying a talent?  0  

The Eagle

Roman centurions were notorious for their stabbing technique – which they not only showcased when they raped their enemies women, but sometimes on the battlefield.

Amazingly, the opinion that the Roman solider in this action movie has of his army is a high one.

After he's injured in battle, ex-centurion Marcus (Channing Tatum) heads into an uncharted area of Britain inhabited by the mysterious Picts to reclaim the eagle insignia his father lost.

Accompanying him is Esca (Jamie Bell), a British slave whom he freed from the gladiatorial games.

Burning with white-hot rage for Romans, Esca eventually learns to respect Marcus as a man. Meanwhile, Marcus sees the errors of his Empire.

An intriguing story about valor, honour and Rome’s colonization of the UK, this adaptation of the popular book is marred by Tatum’s cardboard performance.

Furthermore, if the emblem turns up in a Roman bathhouse, don’t bend over to pick it up. 0

***Oh My Demigod!***

Hercules

If you went solely on Greek statues, then you could assume that all Grecians have no arms.

Fortunately, the Greek demigod rendered in this animated-adventure has both limbs.

Orphaned from his parents, Zeus (Rip Torn) and Hera, thanks to Hades (James Woods), Hercules (Tate Donovan) is raised by humans, with no knowledge of his birthright.

It’s not until he visits the Temple of Zeus that he learns of his true bloodline. As well as his purpose: to reclaim his position on Mount Olympus through gallantry on Earth.

And to do that, he needs renowned hero-maker/satyr Phil (Danny DeVito) and his winged-mount Pegasus.

Elsewhere, Hades plans to usurp his brother by releasing the Titans.

One of the few Disney movies geared towards young males, Hercules is an action-packed party of mythological proportions.

Furthermore, it may inspire a few fatties out there to go kill themselves a lion with their bare hands.

He Myth Interprets. He's the...

Vidiot

Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s an Alienated Invader. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of June 17, 2011

I come from an estrange world. First up...

Battle: Los Angeles

The only foreseeable reason as to why invading aliens would choose to occupy the City of Angels is that its rampant wildfires remind them of their scorched home world.

Unfortunately, this sci-fi movie doesn’t divulge where they originated from; however, we do know they didn’t come in peace.

Arriving in LA, in the form of a meteorite, the well-armed aliens emerge from their transports, and quickly set about destroying humanity.

Assigned to the West Coast war zone, a grizzled army sergeant, Nantz (Aaron Eckhart), ends up leading a rag-tag team of soldiers and civilians (Michelle Rodriguez, Ne-Yo, Bridget Moynahan) in an all-out resistance against their enemy.

With a motive so pedestrian, a look so overworked, and an origin so vague, the aliens of this insipid spectacle are as vapid as their California captives.    

Furthermore, an easier way for an alien race to enslave Angelenos would be to release a sex-tape.  0

Red Riding Hood

For millions around the world, Red Riding Hood has always been…a super-sexy, slightly pedophiliac, Halloween costume.

And though the hem of the hooded ingénue in this fantasy is well below her knees, it does not impede her young lust.

In Daggerhorn, there is a long-standing truce between the villagers and the werewolf that lives in the woods.

But, when the older sister of Valerie (Amanda Seyfried) is found dead from a werewolf-attack, the armistice is absolved. And an authority on lycanthropy (Gary Oldman) is acquired.     

Meanwhile, Valerie’s relationship with a woodcutter (Shiloh Fernandez) is threatened when her parents (Billy Burke, Virginia Madsen) insist she marry the blacksmith’s son (Max Irons).

A trite teenage re-interpretation of the fair tale, Red Riding Hood foregoes the fable’s morals, and, instead, focuses on a supernatural love triangle.

Besides, the only way to rid a village of a werewolf is to elect a vampire mayor.  0

Hall Pass

It’s common for married couples to introduce high school related objects into their sex life, i.e. Catholic schoolgirls outfit, the principal’s paddle or the nurse’s head lice comb.

Surprisingly, the sexual adults in this comedy decided to implement hall passes into their foreplay.

Fed up with their husbands wandering eyes, Maggie (Jenna Fischer) and Grace (Christina Applegate) decide to grant their spouses, Rick (Owen Wilson) and Fred (Jason Sudeikis) a week’s autonomy from marital obligations, specifically monogamy.

Initially thrilled with the prospect of being single again, both would-be bachelors find their fantasies aren’t as attainable as first hoped.

Meanwhile, their wives inadvertently find themselves pursued by a number of male suitors.

With a capable cast, and a few big laughs, this gross-out comedy sees the floundering Farrelly Brothers return to form.

Besides, the only real appeal to being a single guy again is the wide variety of Swanson Hungry-Man dinners.  0

Big Momma: Like Father, Like Son

The worst day for an African-American actor is the day that he or she must put on the first of what will be many fat suits.

Unfortunately for the teen actor in this comedy, his moment of humiliation has come at an early age.

When his partner hides a flash-drive on an all-girls arts college campus, Detective Turner (Martin Lawrence) must don his Big Momma persona to infiltrate the student body.

Aiding Turner on this undercover endeavor is his arrogant stepson Trent/Charmaine (Brandon T. Jackson), a hopeful rapper and an unintentional murder witness.

Now, Big Momma and Charmaine must locate the flash-drive before the bad guys catch on to their disguises.

The third installment of the Big Momma franchise, Like Father, Like Son is a failed attempt at resuscitating an unfunny and insulting series.

Besides, there are more comical issues to exploit in a skinny character who use to be fat.  0

***Intergalacticked Off***

Mars Attacks!

Out of all of the planets I’d never have guessed that the celestial body named after the God of War would ever attack.

Similarly flabbergasted by this Martian incursion is the ensemble cast of this sci-fi comedy. 

Surrounding the Earth with a flotilla of UFOs, an envoy from the Martians addresses the populace with a message of peace. But the armistice is brief. And soon the Martians lay waste to Washington, New York and Las Vegas.

Meanwhile, politicians, military officials and civilians (Jack Nicholson, Annette Bening, Christina Applegate, Sarah Jessica Parker, Martin Short, Jack Black, Michael J. Fox, Natalie Portman, Danny DeVito, Pierce Brosnan, Glenn Close, Tom Jones) fight back.

Based on the Topps trading card series, this intentionally campy ode to 1950s sci-fi truly encapsulates director Tim Burton’s once sardonic and anarchic sensibilities.

Besides, the way things are going here, it’d be wiser to trade Earth for the UFOs.

He's a Civillian. He's the...

Vidiot

Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s a Cowpoker. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of June 10, 2011

Dyslexic cowboys milk their horse and ride their cow. First up…

True Grit

To tell if a gunslinger has true grit, have them ride through town sidesaddle, twirling a parasol, whistling: When Johnny Comes Marching Home.

And while the employer of the elderly gun-for-hire in this western doubts his fortitude, she engages his services nonetheless.

Subsequent to collecting her dad’s corpse, 15-year-old Mattie (Elizabeth Marvel) goes about acquiring someone to bring her father’s killer–Chaney (Josh Brolin)–to justice.

Due to his plucky repute, Mattie opts for the alcoholic Cogburn (Jeff Bridges). However, to his chagrin, she insists on riding along.

A Texas Ranger (Matt Damon) in purist of Chaney’s boss (Barry Pepper) later accompanies the pair on the treacherous trail.

A more distilled translation compared to previous cinematic interpretations, this Coen Brothers edition of the popular novel captures its violence, dialect and darkly humorous tones perfectly.

Ironically, due to their incontinent bladders, young and old people are the worst long-distance travel companions.    0

Just Go With It

Vacation destinations offer free services for children because screaming brats encourage alcohol consumption.

Amazingly, it’s not the kids that are cruising-for-a-bruising in this comedy, but their chaperons.

After he gets caught in a lie about being married, Dr. Danny (Adam Sandler) convinces his office assistant Katherine (Jennifer Aniston) to portray his soon-to-be ex-wife in order to woe a woman, Palmer (Brooklyn Decker).

Matters worsen when Palmer insists on accompanying Danny, Katherine and their two children on their last family trip to Hawaii.

Their fake marriage is further tested when Katherine runs into her old rival Devlin (Nicole Kidman) at the resort.

This interpretation of the original stage play is a mockery of comedy: the jokes are pap, the plot is completely predictable and the point is evasive.

Besides, why take your mistress on your family vacation, when you could just as easily rent a fluent whore when you get there?  0

Sanctum

The best part of dying while cave diving is that it saves your family on funeral costs, since you’re body’s already 6-feet underground.

So, naturally the families of the divers in this adventure should be ecstatic that their loved ones are perishing miles below the surface. 

Accompanying his father’s benefactor (Ioan Gruffudd) as he heads down to convene with his dad’s (Richard Roxburgh) diving team, 17-year-old Josh’s (Rhys Wakefield) mettle is tested when the caverns flood; pushing the crew deeper underground.

With supplies running low, and optimism even lower, members of the team begin losing their lives to mishaps, mercy killings and madness, all in a futile attempt to reach the surface.

A harrowing journey to the earth’s underwater core, Sanctum is a dazzling, visual thriller, albeit a corny one.

However, before explorers head into uncharted depths, we should really outfit them with old computers to jettison down there.  0

***The Wired, Wired West***

Westworld

When constructing an Old West inspired amusement park, it is important to be authentic. So, the whores should have syphilis. 

Unfortunately, the entertainment engineers in this thriller blew their budget on robots.

Looking for some fun, Richard (Peter Martin) and John (James Brolin) decide to vacation at Delos: a high-tech, multi-themed, adult resort, where visitors can choose their own adventure.

Opting for the Old West treatment, the city slickers live out their boyhood fantasies amongst a cast of western-garbed automatons.

However, unbeknownst to them, the robots over in MedievalWorld and RomanWorld have turned murderous.

When the short circuit finally hits Westworld, Richard and John find themselves at the mercy of a merciless mechanical gunfighter (Yul Brynner).

By juxtaposing our machine-filled future with our barbaric and hedonist past, writer-director Michael Crichton forges an intense, thought-provoking parable.

Fortunately, for the patrons of DepressionWorld, when their robots became self-aware...they killed themselves.

He's a Pony Expressionist. He's the...

Vidiot

Be Kind, Please Rewind

He Has Cruise Control Issues. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of June 3, 2011

Power to the windows. First up…

Drive Angry

The easiest way to tell if the person ahead of you is driving angry is to check their texts for all CAPS and exclamation points.

And while no emoticon can symbolize the ire inside the motorist in this action movie, he is not stupid enough to disseminate while driving.

Upon escaping the infernos of Hell, Milton (Nicolas Cage) returns to Earth to save his granddaughter from the sacrificial alter of a satanic cult leader (Billy Burke).

Riding shotgun on this selfless mission is a wayward waitress (Amber Heard) who is on the lam.

Meanwhile, Hades’ top accountant (William Fichtner) has been dispatched to retrieve the obstinate wheelman.

Filled with carnage, carnality and muscle cars, Drive Angry is a testosterone-fueled schlock-fest, wherein acting comes a distant fourth.    

Besides, if anyone really wants to see hotrods and hot-babes enduring Hell on Earth, I could arrange for Robosaurus to rampage a car show.  0

Biutiful

The worst thing about people communicating via text messages is that they now spell words any way they see fit.

Oops! Apparently, the title of this drama is not the result of the e-transmogrification of the King’s English, but the Spanish tongue butchering the Western pronunciation of "beautiful".

Informed by his doctor that he only has 6 months left to live, Barcelonan criminal/single-father Uxbal (Javier Bardem) decides to keep his diagnosis a secret from his children.

Compounding his condition is his erratic ex-wife and the recent death of his estranged father.

Straddling the line between life and death, Uxbal struggles during his remaining days to make amends and keep hundreds of illegal immigrants from losing their jobs and being deported.

While Bardem embodies the emotional restraint required for the role, the film’s subject matter is dark and its pacing is too slow.

Which is surprising, since everyone is speaking Spanish.  0

***Getting Some Tailpipe***

License to Drive

Driver’s exams are the only assessment wherein, after you’ve passed, you can disregard everything you learned.

Unfortunately, the new driver in this comedy must retain proper road etiquette a while longer, because he failed.

Passing the road test, but not the written portion, Les (Corey Haim) is accidentally granted a license, which is later revoked.

Being unlicensed, however, doesn’t stop him from lying to his parents (Carol Kane, Richard Masur), so that he can take out the hottest girl in school, Mercedes (Heather Graham).

While his fib fails, Les is not impeded. After dark he absconds with his grandfather's Cadillac and goes on a disastrous joyride with his drunken date and loser buddies (Corey Feldman, Michael Manasseri).

Revving with riotous laughs, License to Drive is an ode to adolescent autoerotism and rebellion.

Besides, it doesn’t matter if a 16-year-old male doesn’t have a license; he’s paying triple for car insurance.

He’s the Hatchback of Notre Dame. He’s the…

Vidiot